Mary Tyler Moore
| Mary Tyler Moore | |
 | |
| Date of birth: | December 29, 1936 (Age, 77) |
| Birth location: | Brooklyn, New York |
|---|---|
| Height: | 5'8 |
| Notable role(s): | The Dick Van Cock Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Show |
| Spouse: | Bobby "The Bullet" Levine |
“Ever since I worked with her, I wanted to stick it in.”
- ~ Dick Van Dyke on Mary Tyler Moore
“I stopped Mary from getting raped by a Mexican man.”
- ~ Elvis Presley on Change Of Habit (1969)
Mary Tyler "great fucking legs" Moore (born December 29, 1936) is an American Actress best known for her roles in the pornography industry on "The Dick Van Cock Show" in which she co-starred as Laura Petrie, a horny housewife always ready to have sexual relations with gay-porn legend Dick Van Dyke. She later starred in her own long-running pornographic series "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" where she portrayed the role of a 30-something "slut" working the corners in downtown Minneapolis alongside her wacky co-stars,Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Betty White. She also had a brief (but memorable) non-pornographic film career in Thoroughly Modern Millie where she played the stupid fucking Cunt that nobody liked, and Ordinary People where she played a Bitch of a mother to her psychologically unsound son. Throughout her career, she has received 7 Emmy Awards and 3 Golden Globes, including a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Pornographic Film.
Early Life[edit]
Mary Tyler Moore was born in Brooklyn, New York (fictional city) after George Tyler Moore busted a nut in Marjorie Hackett. She emerged from her mother's pulsating vagina like most other kids her age. Her father was a clerk and her mother was a raging alcoholic asshole Fuck-up. At age 8 she was moved to Los Angeles where she said "fuck you" to her mom and moved in with her aunt. Being the angsty teenager she was, she went through her emo faze around the same time. She got her first job dancing around like a Fucktard as "Happy Hotpoint" in TV commercials in the 50's for some irrelevant fucking show that nobody cares about.
From Zero to Pornstar[edit]
At age 23, Mary decided to quit dance, and sought out a career in acting. She eventually found her first major role on The Dick Van Cock Show starring philosopher and Communist, Dick Van Dyke (Originally known as Penis Multipurposevehicle Lesbian) . In Van Dyke's autobiography Living Like A Dick, he recalls "She came into the audition room, and Carl Reiner put his hands on her tits. We all knew after that moment she was going to be a star." While on the show, Mary wet the Panties of men across America when she wore her trademark Capri pants. Because her booty was so poppin and her legs were so crackin, she enraged the good, clean, white, conservative Americans of her time (See: Glenn Beck (Asshat) ). But as their boners grew, so did their hearts.
Career Peak and Downfall[edit]
After her role on The Dick Van Cock Show had come to an end, Moore took a brief break from her career to raise her son "Richie Meeker" (who eventually shot himself in the head on accident like a dumbass). During that period she shot a (unintentionally) hilarious movie with motherfucking Elvis in 1969. The film featured a mexican rapist, and a little girl with a humorous case of Autism. This would be one of the many high points in Moore's career. While still taking care of her child, in 1970 she received a offer from CBS to create her own television series. She promptly accepted the offer, because her Shithead son was a little annoying motherfucker who never did what the Fuck she said. Thus, The Mary Tyler Moore Show was born. Moore played a Prostitute along with three of her nasty slut friends (Betty White, Valerie Harper, and Cloris "The Hot One" Leachman). They had regular customer's who would pick them up for a quick Blowjob and gloryhole suckfest (Ed "That one angry fat fuck" Asner, Ted Knight, and that one guy from the Love Boat). The show was an instant hit among the fat guys jerking off in their basement demographic and won 29 Emmys during it's 6 year run.
Moore had one more glimmer of fame before she eventually faded into the realm of Obscure Pop Cultural References, which was her role in Ordinary People. Ordinary People was Robert Redford's directorial debut, and "that Ginger motherfucker did a pretty good job" -Roger Ebert 1981. She played the calloused mother of a whiny little bitch who felt guilty because his older brother died in a boating accident. The film won an Academy Award for Movie That Made me Cry Like a Little Bitch, and Moore won an Oscar for Biggest Cunt in a Motion Picture.
Diabetes and Death[edit]
In her early 30's, Moore was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Regarding her diabetes, she said "it was a real kick in my sexy ass". Moore is a large diabetes advocate and made some really shitty commercials in the 90's about it. She is now 77 years old, and very ill. On top of the diabetes, she used to get drunk as fuck a lot. Moore's death will evoke the epiphany to many men that they will never be able to stick their penises in her, unless they are into Necrophilia. But most of Mary Tyler Moore fans agree they would never fuck a dead body, even if it was Mary Tyler Moore.