Narrator
You are walking down a road at night when suddenly a dark and mysterious figure emerges from the shadows. It's me!! I am the Narrator. You don't know it, but I control your life. I will write your destiny and turn you into a mollusk or other squishy animal. That's right. I exist to make your life seem less worthless, and more interesting for the audience - think March of The Penguins without Morgan Freeman. Oh yeah, and everything you thought you did in private? Thousands watched it. They know about your paraplegic fetish and how you sometimes eat out of the trash. Mediocrely entertaining stuff. Your videos don't sell exceptionally well, but we always at least break even. If you start to be boring, we just kill you off. Scared? You should be, as I narrate and dictate your entire life! Mwahahahahahahahaha!
I know you are shaking your head, but you see I am making you shake it. You're breaking the Fourth Wall now, realizing you are a work of fiction, making you a weird Avant-Garde work of art. Since you just broke reality, look out for unicorns, surrealism and trippy Pink Floyd bullshit coming.
So you are the voice in my head when I'm reading things?!![edit]
Remember that novel you read, War and Peace? Or that other one, The Catcher in the Rye? Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Drag Queen?? Well, remember that voice you heard in your head? It was me! ME!! You're hearing me right now and I'm unstoppable! Look! This sentence! And this one! Me! Well, truth be told, I'm not the voice inside your brain... That's actually someone else. So, if you're looking to stop that endless, annoying and incoherent voice in your head, I'm not the one. But, I would gladly tell you all about it in another boring existential novel or even one of those pointless independent films. Well, where were we? Yes, I was about to tell you about how it is impossible to avoid me, as I'm deeply connected to prose - it's hard to avoid me, but it's possible if you simply stop readi - HEY! Get your eyes back on the text! - stop reading.
OK OK, I get it! But why are you here?![edit]
Well, my reason to exist, my raison d'etre as they say in Germany, is that it is a logical necessity to have someone to tell stories... Ah, this takes me back to my college years, back when I was a young abstract concept who still needed to find my place in the world. I went to all the cool college classes, literature studies, journalism, and career advice for young abstract concepts. All the college professors told me about narration techniques: Mimesis, first-person narratives (my own favourite) and third person narratives as well - some people prefer this, like that guy over there!
It was a particulary sunny day that I went to the library and looked for something to read. I looked at the letters, words and paragraphs and I thought that it would be a great idea to have a voice reading it to you. I went home to my dorm room, got stoned and the next day, I was the narrator in all the worlds' stories. When will I ever shut up? Ask a writer.
Well, what am I to do about it?[edit]
People don't even hear me narrating because they think its their own inner monologue, which makes me wonder why they are thinking in third person.
Hey, you promised unicorns![edit]
Oh yes. I did. Well, once upon a time there was a unicorn, that rode into your life on a rainbow, and you lived happily ever after. There you go! Did I tell you, that I'm responsible for nearly all the cliches you've ever heard? Well, I am, guilty of charge! Why? I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.