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Terror is (probably) a Middle Eastern country. Situated almost exactly midway between Jeopardy and Custody, the nation enjoys a predominantly political climate throughout the year, and therefore plays host to the world's largest supply of wild, hallucinogenic "George" bushes.
Troubles recently flared in the area, after covert US forces attempted to eradicate the Terrorist's 'George' bushes by spraying them with Nippon fo' Moss Destruction. Repeatedly. The US categorically stated at the time, most vocally, that they hadn't done anything at all, denying any involvement in everything; they did later concede responsibility for nothing, but claimed it was only done in self-defence.
The Untied States formally declared war on Terror in 2001: A Space Odyssey, with US forces continuing tactics only found previously in wars on Drugs, Poverty, Crime and Vietnam (Score: 0 for 4). These somewhat inflammatory military practices mainly involve killing wholly innocent people, any Allied forces, and anyone else who may be in the way. Oh, and inferring guilt without trial to anyone not worshipping His Supremeness George Wanker Bush, of course.
- 1 Natives of Terror
- 2 On and Around Terror
- 3 Recent Political History
- 3.1 The Longest Grammatically Correct Single Sentence On The Whole Of This Page About Terror and, very possibly, on the Whole Of Uncyclopedia, Which Explains What The USA Could Not Bring Themselves to Comprehend Regarding The Level of Education Amongst Terrorists and so overlooked whilst planning a strategy for attacking the said Island and Which, Therefore, Surely Deserves an Equally Impressive Title? AKA Americans shuld prolly skip this complicated bit) (Is:)
- 3.2 War on Drugs on Terror
- 4 Economy of Terror
- 5 Quotes on Terror
Natives of Terror
Citizens of Terror (known as "Terrorists") are renowned the world over for their passion, their metamorphic, chameleonic appearance, and their kooky antics whilst holidaying abroad. Despite poverty, war and the constant Tsunami waves of American Hatred which batter the island, most Terrorists are happy, hard-working, welcoming and surprisingly tolerant: especially when compared to the racist, gun-toting, homophobic, anti-semitic, bigoted, cretinous, insular fat Yanks.
Hatred of Terrorists
(Can you tell what is is yet? Yes, Rolf, it's shit.)
Many Terrorists believe that the hatred shown toward them by the USA stems from a simple misunderstanding. A ceremonial dance performed by all Terrorists whilst on holiday is thought by the USA to be a threat to Civilisation.™ Involving wine-tasting, propaganda-spouting, gun-pulling and, ultimately, a quick bout of harmless public sodomy; the dance is actually just a central tenet of the Terrorists' religion, and is not performed for pleasure OR shock value. The long and complicated dance has 39 steps which must be completed sequentially, with the final ten steps repeated until the man doing the sodomising has shot his wad plentifully into his good lady's back-bottom, as an offering to the Martyred ancestors of Terror. (The ancestors themselves were massacred repeatedly by xenophobic, trigger-happy, inbred, drugged-up, badly-educated, easily-led, ill-informed, sadistic, torturing, ignorant, war-mongering US troops, over hundreds of years before.)
On and Around Terror
With over 90% of Terrorists preferring to use Public Transport, the state-owned "Terror Networks" facilities are widespread, reliable, cheap and convenient. With connections (known as "Fingers") stretching around the known world, many Terrorists spend large periods of time very cheaply in other countries, usually purchasing one-way tickets to save money.
Terror is one of the few 'floating' instinctive mental states across the world, and is not moored into a fixed position at all. According to US propagandists, Terror can "spread across the world like wildfire" and can "strike even the most liberal of military-led 'democratic' regimes within seconds," which "demonstrates the need for another dozen laws to protect... er... well... freedom™... and all that stuff."
Whatever its physical location, Terror curiously remains perpetually geographically aligned with Al Kye-Eader, President of the Affiliated General States of Blind Panic, whose dungeon cells are said to criss-cross the world. This constant alignment, added to the American fear of towelheads, means that for cartographical reasons Terror is placed squarely in the Middle of the Middle East. Terrorists were often found on the streets of Great Britain and Northern Ireland until.., mmm, I don't know, er, .. Quite recently, when armed Police shot dead an unarmed, innocent man (Yasser Omar Terroriste) in a railway station. Terrorists arranged a national Geoffrey Boycott of Britain in protest to the murder, which has led to the decline of many popular UK resorts, most notably Northern Ireland's 'The Troubles' region.
Most Terrorists are well-educated in the Eastern traditions from a very early age, in Camps set up across the country. The brain-washing cultures of the West, preferring instead to produce economic automatons, deride the Eastern techniques of finding peace and justice, labelling the techniques "Incitement of Hatred" and "Indoctrination". Shock figures produced somewhere show, however, that more Americans have killed a man today - and any other day - than all Terrorists have, put together, throughout history.
Recent Political History
Despite the best efforts of notorious Projects MKULTRA and MKOILRAPE in the 1970's and 80's (during which hundreds of innocent Terrorists were force-fed a volatile concoction of radioactive lies with a half-truth-life lasting decades), the Illuminate failed miserably in their goal of mind-altering on a mass scale.
The US Defenders of the FreeWorld™ (All rights reserved)'s Department of Tough Love finally realised in 1990 there was no way of convincing the wily Arabs that the oil lying under Arab land was actually the property of the Free World plc. Even when they were placed under extreme duress, the Brave but selfish Arabs (AKA Insurgents) always fought back for what was theirs.
It seemed impossible at the time for the US-B to start a war, just to steal oil, under the noses of the world, so they exploited a mere technicality ("The Arababians all look the same") to get around the problem. This, somewhat unbelievably, proved to be a fairly effective strategy. Twice.
Although the island of Terror was clearly not involved in oil in any way, and despite the fact that Terror itself produces no oil at all, every Arababian dissenter who claimed that the oil was, in fact, actually theirs was from that point on labelled a "terrorist". This gave the Yanks good reason to start an international war on Terror, on the grounds of race and religion. (Well, Asian and Islam predominantly, but not always exclusively; they do shoot their own allies on a regular basis as well.)
Undaunted by the innocence and righteousness of the the Terrorists, the Land Of The Free™ led a military campaign against Terror, beginning in 1991. And then another, beginning in 2001, after being caught blatantly spraying Nippon For Moss Destruction onto Terror's 'George' bushes.
The Longest Grammatically Correct Single Sentence On The Whole Of This Page About Terror and, very possibly, on the Whole Of Uncyclopedia, Which Explains What The USA Could Not Bring Themselves to Comprehend Regarding The Level of Education Amongst Terrorists and so overlooked whilst planning a strategy for attacking the said Island and Which, Therefore, Surely Deserves an Equally Impressive Title? AKA Americans shuld prolly skip this complicated bit) (Is:)
Self-proclaimed expert on Terror, Jeremy Beadle, explained in his best-selling "Recipe Book for Terror" that the proportionally higher standards of education enjoyed by Terrorists may account for their greater dislike and indeed, in cases, hatred of, the subjugating forces of constant war, brutal genocide and the general disregard shown for Terrorists by successive invading forces; since they actually understand the root causes of the unequal but still deeply symbiotic relationship between themselves and the US, as well as being intelligent enough to realise the endemic unfairness of the meritocratic, cash-led capitalist regime and its effect in supplying the world with the subjugation in the first place: "The proportionally higher standards of education enjoyed by Terrorists might account for their dislike and indeed, in cases, hatred of, the subjugating forces of constant war, brutal genocide and the general disregard shown for Terrorists by invading forces; since they actually understand the root causes of the unequal but still deeply symbiotic relationship between themselves and the US, as well as being intelligent enough to realise the endemic unfairness of the meritocratic, cash-led capitalist regime and its effect in supplying the world with the subjugation in the first place", he said, whilst fondling his famous manky hand lovingly.
However, due to the relatively lower standards of education in the USA, nobody there understood him, or this last joke, at all.
War on Drugs on Terror
Whilst obliterating everything into tiny little bits during the 1991 invasion, troops were encouraged to get mind-blowingly fucked on whatever substance was available to them. Since the sneaky squaddies had smuggled large quantities of the psychoactive soft-drink 'Condoleeeezzzzarr-Ice' onto the islands, this did not prove to be much of a problem, except that of course the troops did routinely mistake their allies for enemy combatants.
The "George" bushes invade
A bigger problem was caused by a small patch of seeds from a wild 'George' bush, traipsed into the floor of the island on the sole of an invading infantry footman's unclean jackboot. The seeds grew wildly and the toxic 'plants' multiplied at a dangerous rate until Terror was overridden completely by a multitude of Bushes, all spawned from the one same motherplant 'George' bush.
The weedy but insidious and deep-rooted George bush caused no major problems for Terrorists for ten years, and indeed actually assisted Terror in securing a level economic base. As the bush family provides the sole source of income of many Terrorist families, it came as a major shock to the Islanders when the US began spraying in their notorious "Crop and Awe" campaign. A state of war still exists between the FreeWorld ™ and Terror, although Terror is 2/1 odds on favourite to come out on top.
Economy of Terror
Terror produces over a billion tonnes of a rare species of rice each day. "Condoleezza's Rice", which is closely related to the Basmati variety, takes its name from Ye Olde English, "condo-" (cunt) and "Leezzaa", (Lesbian with a big hairy-). Many 'Barbara' bushes have been introduced to Terror by the invading forces; and Chelsea bushes, which proliferate widely, are enjoyed as a delicacy by almost all Terrorists. A large field, owned by Don, grows a lethal variety of rum. Don's Rum Field is avoided by most sane folk, as is its produce. It is said that prolonged exposure to the rum can cause nasty Dick Cheynes to appear on sensitive parts.
In order to bring back the missing money lost by Terror's (Geoff) Boycott of the UK, England promised to release some Terrorist citizens from the Isle of Custody, where they had been held for some time. This move proved popular with the Americans, who had funded the Terrorists' actions in the first place. To now, the (Geoff) Boycott continues, although occasionally a 'scare story' still emerges in the Daily Mail, claiming the UK is about to be overrun by hordes of murderous Muslim fundamentalist workshy date-raping benefit-swindling non-white paedophile Terrorists at any moment.
Quotes on Terror
“War! Huh! What is it good for? Well, the economy of FreeWorldCorp™, international arms manufacturers and dealers, the artificial inflation of prices and the subjugation of an entire world under the great banner of Peace, actually. And the Bushes, of course. Like W's ol' Pappy used to say: Battles Bolster Bushes - it works every time.”
“So I herd u liek Mudkipz?”
“Oh, I get it. God shoulders the blame again', huh? Why's everything suddenly My fault?”
“And I don't see why suddenly the poor Terrorists should get the blame for everything, either.”