The Last King of Scotland

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Is it a boy or a girl?

“You'll no be King of Scotland, if not King of Aberdeen”

~ Robert Bruce of Scotland

The Last King of Scotland is reckoned by Saxon devils to be King George VI. He also happened to be King of England, Wales, Northern Ireland and a few other places as well, but he did not care for Scotland. The true Last King of Scotland was a Stuart: Bonnie Prince Charlie. He had a truly strange name but he was still King. The then-King of England, King William III, denounced Bonnie's claim to the throne as he had heard that Bonnie was a Jacobite pretender. A Jacobite pretender is someone who pretends to be called Jacob. This led to questions being raised about Bonnie's real sex considering he had a girl's name.

Early life

Bonnie had a nice early life as successor in line to the last Jacobite Pretender, who was the son of the deposed Stuart King of England, James II (Scottish King: James VII). He lived in exile in the Papal States, spending his long hours of waiting to regain the throne, whining and playing chess with the Pope.

He met a beautiful young lassie on the top of the Vatican City's roof (back in the days when the Vatican City was just one building). They spent a night up on the roof together under the moonlight, until Bonnie asked what profession the young girl was employed in. When she replied she was just a humble woman bishop, Bonnie wheeled back in surprise, "There aren't such things as women bishops!" The young lass realised that she'd blown her cover, but in one last vain attempt to save herself, she replied, "Ah, but how do you know I'm a woman?" The future king pondered that for a while and then said, "And how do I know you're a bishop? You might not be." Bonnie then kissed the lass and they both forgot that the girl was a bishop or a woman. And they came down off the roof.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Last King of Scotland.

The next day, they went back up on the roof and as the girl walked up the last flight of stairs, she tripped and plummeted to her death. Bonnie Charlie was distraught at her death and cried, for a day or two. Then he resolved to undertake a crusade. Not to Jerusalem but to Edinburgh.

Return to Scotland

Bonnie's VIP ticket on the BA flight to the Hebrides was much appreciated and Bonnie found it very comfortable. Once he arrived on his new capital, The Isle of Skye, he set about gathering his followers and leading them from the West Coast down to Edinburgh. In 1745 he defeated the British government's only garrison in Scotland and raised his claim of being the true King of England and Scotland.

The German King on the English throne - George from Hanover - didn't take to the idea of sharing it with a Scottish foreigner. He sent a large force to Scotland to defeat Bonnie in battle and crush the uprising. This army was commanded by King George II's son, the Duke of Cumberland, who was a talented tactician. However, Bonnie moved quickly and, after capturing Carlisle, proceeded to London to take the throne. The Duke of Cumberland and his army were left behind and Bonnie met the only government army between him and London. This engagement became known as the Battle of Culloden and it is remembered (by the Scots) as the most famous engagement in recorded British History.

The Battle of Culloden

A typical British soldier with a Maxim gun that would have fought at the Battle of Culloden.

The Scottish army faced the English Army on both sides of a battlefield. The Scots had sheer brute force and chants of "FREEDOM" to their advantage. The English had three-line deep solid rank formations and grenades filled with boiling hot tea. The English also had the newly invented Vickers Maxim Gun that could fire 60 rounds per minute and was far better than the conventional musket of the time.

The Scots knew that, as long as Bonnie was alive, they had a reason to fight. In light of this, there were forty assassination attempts made on Bonnie's life the day before the battle by his own men. However, the next day, Bonnie was ready to make war and so the men were set to attack.

The Scottish front rank made up of bagpipes started the noise barrage on the English defences. Bonnie hoped that this would keep the English lying low in their trenches and unnerve them, and that the noise would split and shatter any wire that the English had laid so that the Scots would have a clear path to the English front line. However, the English had learnt from their shattering defeat in Scotland and had issued every soldier standard military ear-muffs. They had also bought wire from the Germans that was labelled, "These will not shatter. They have been tested precisely by German engineers." Both of these new tactics worked and the English were prepared to meet the Scottish head-on.

Bonnie charged forward with his Highlanders behind him. At the first sign of a ditch, Bonnie jumped into it and hid for the remainder of the fighting while his men did the dirty work. There was initial success in breaking the English lines, as, although every soldier had been given ear protectors, none of them had ever seen men charge at them with such rage wearing skirts before; and so the front line fainted in astonishment. The Scots leaped over the first trench and headed for the second line of Englishmen. Unfortunately, the Scots ran into the line of maxims and were shot to pieces. A few maxims and their gunners were taken out by Scotsmen tossing cabers into their trenches; however, it was all in vain and the Scots ran home.

Bonnie, seeing that the Scots were running, jumped out of his hiding hole behind them and shouted, "Men of Scotland. You left your King fighting for his life in his hour of need. Are you cowardly enough to run from the beaten enemy when your King is left to be slain?" The reply came, in unison, from his warriors, "Aye." Then both Bonnie and the Scots ran away at full pelt.

Escape and exile

The DVD cover of Bonnieheart, the sequel to Braveheart which covered the life of Bonnie Prince Charlie.

Bonnie continued fleeing through the Pennines and up past Northumbria. His whole army collapsed into a disordered rout. Only his elite bodyguard of Hebridean Highland Warriors stayed with him. When in Edinburgh, he assessed the situation. There was no standing army left to defend Scotland from the government troops. He quickly got married and had a son so that the son could inherit the titles of "Jacobite pretender" and "True King of Scotland."

Then he caught the next ferry to the Hebrides where he was taken into hiding on the Isle of Skye.

Old Scottish legend says that he did not die and is in fact waiting until Scotland's hour of need when he will be needed most. Then he shall rise from his resting place and save and liberate the Kingdom of Scotland to become King of Scotland again.

Conspiracy theories

Bonnie Prince Charlie was not a King but a Queen (as "Bonnie" is a girl's name) and he was forbidden the title of bishop on his stay in Rome. This claim is upheld by the National Union of Bonnie and Clyde enthusiasts, who specialise in finding out everything to do with the names Bonnie and Clyde.

Bonnie has returned in Scotland's hour of need in the form of Alex Salmond. This would explain why Alexander is so keen on Scottish Independence and has never mentioned that he would make a republic but has dismissed the idea of the King/Queen of England being the monarch of Scotland. Evidence behind this claim comes from the fact that in his passport his full name is Bonnie Salmon and that in the gender space there is written "Female Male." Opposition to this claim comes from two groups. One group says that Bonnie is simply short for Alexander and says that this is a coincidence. The other group says that Alexander Salmon is too weird and deranged to ever have been Bonnie Charlie.

The Continuation of the claim to the Scottish and English throne

Bonnie's son who was mentioned as being born in Edinburgh quickly fled to France, as is natural for people routing and surrendering. He has continued his family name and heritage and his direct descendant today still claims the throne of Scotland and England. Opponents to his claim have questioned why he hasn't actually done anything to support his claim, but supporters say that years of inter-breeding with the French have left him too lazy to bother.

See also

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 27 July 2013
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/27 July 2013Template:FA/2013</includeonly>