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Topaz. Useless? Perhaps. But at least it isn't useless.

Topaz is a colorless, odorless and transparent silicate mineral, the one and only basic material used in the process of topaz synthesis. Its chemical composition is too massive and intricate to describe within a simple collection of statements, but none of that is important anyway, because the one and only thing that can be made from topaz, is topaz. On average, about ten milligrams of topaz can be formed by combining about five milligrams of topaz with five milligrams of topaz. It is believed by many that mass topaz synthesis is damaging to the Earth's atmosphere, but this is a fallacy, proven so by the law of conservation of mass. Since matter cannot be created, nor destroyed, the universe's total mass before topaz synthesis remains the same after topaz synthesis, resulting in the addition of absolutely nothing new whatsoever to the overall construction of Earth that could contribute to depletion of the Ozone layer.[1] It's science!

Topaz is a mineral, and therefore it can be radioactive under the proper circumstances. Which is interesting, due to the fact that radios most certainly cannot be topaz-active, even under similar circumstances. Topaz has very nearly no practical uses whatsoever, with the distinct exception of consumption as a food. If one just so happens to enjoy eating topaz, that is.

Topaz Synthesis

Topaz is mined and processed for the expressed purpose of synthesizing it into topaz. Synthesized topaz takes on an incredibly similar appearance and molecular makeup to that of non-synthesized topaz, and is virtually indistinguishable from its original form. At least it would be, if synthesized topaz didn't possess a single unique trait: the distinct tendency to form into clusters of itself within large packing crates, discretely labeled as "Synthesized Topaz".

Once synthesized, topaz is used in a number of processes and procedures, including Topaz Re-synthesis, Topaz Re-re-synthesis, Topaz Super-synthesis, Topaz De-synthesis, and the eclectic octopus-juggling rituals of the African tribe of the Atheliamwe, the people with enormous breasts, but no nipples. Outside of these practical and cultural uses lay the many recreational uses of topaz, which include staring at topaz, throwing topaz against the outside wall of your grandfather's barn, trying to see how much topaz you can fit in your mouth at one time, and holding ridiculously impractical parties in general celebration of topaz's existence, many of which are known for spontaneously escalating into impromptu orgies and sex parties, complete with lobster quiche and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.[2]

Topaz Mining

Raw topaz is generally obtained by mining for it in topaz mines. It is widely believed that the name "topaz" was originally derived from this fact. After all, if topaz were mined from diamond mines, it probably wouldn't be called topaz, now would it? In fact, it would likely be called "diamond". That is of course if, for some strange reason, the equally viable option of "Reginald" were not used.

Idealistic naming situations aside, what topaz is called is, quite obviously "topaz," and that's just the way things are, so you're going to have to deal with it. Topaz mining, on the other hand, is a lot like diamond mining, coal mining, tin mining, and the ancient and futile practice of mine mining, the process of extricating an entire mine (whether as a whole, or in pieces to be later assembled into a whole) from the inside of another mine entirely. Topaz mining is like all of these things in that generally a blunt object of some sort, or otherwise explosives of some sort, are used to remove the intended material to be gained, from some manner of hill, mountain, cave, or architectural construct. Like all minerals, buckets full of topaz is the outcome of a successful topaz mining operation, only when the mineral is wished for prior to the mining. Otherwise, a random mineral of the Chinese Earth God Tu Di Gong's choosing will be yielded in the outcome of the operation. He is partial to chalcocite, a type of copper ore that is surprisingly not used at all in the production of sidewalk chalk.[3]

Topaz In Other Regards

What is known about topaz in other regards, is that it is almost certainly not sentient, or intelligent in any way. Therefore, topaz cannot create nor utilize technology, essentially eliminating suspicions that it is possible for topaz to form any sort of totalitarian regime in order to take control of Earth's human population by means of mental manipulation. Try saying that one ten times fast. You probably could if you tried, but I'll tell you this: Topaz certainly could not, due to its lack of motor skills and vocal chords.

Due to topaz's more or less inanimate existence, it also has no central nervous system, rendering it incapable of showing any form of civilized behavior (or uncivilized, for that matter), resulting in, amongst other things, an extreme lack of profit in the business of topaz-marketed vehicles, low turnout rates for topaz pride rallies, and a staggeringly depressing detraction from the festivities that traditionally take place on National Topaz Liberation Day.

Furthermore, Topaz is notorious for having the rather impractical inability to manage popular music artists, a complete lack of understanding of the actuary tables of the economic status of medieval Europe, no fashion sense whatsoever, and perhaps most distressing of all, an utter indifference to the entire genre of Jazz-fusion music. These shortcomings, while not sure and true reasons for disliking topaz right off, are shortcomings nonetheless.

Topaz In Popular Culture

  • Topaz, a 1969 Alfred Hitchcock film which is notable for having absolutely nothing to do with topaz in and of itself, is also noted for starring semi-renowned actor John Forsythe, whose last name sounds kind of like a mineral in the same respect that topaz does, if you think about it for a second.
  • Commonly referred to as one of the worst poets in the history of English literature, Scottish basket-weaver William Topaz McGonagall's middle name is suspected to be a joke played by his parents at birth, alluding to the apparent uselessness that the two jointly exhibited.
  • In 2009, Israeli actor Dudu Topaz went on a revenge spree against certain television executives, following the cancellation of his popular television show, Rashut Habidur (Translated: Trying To Prove That Muslims Can Be Just As Funny As The Next Guy, Take Two), after which he committed suicide, hanging himself by an electrical cable from the showerhead in a prison. As you may be wondering, the reason that this is notable is because it has absolutely nothing to do with topaz, the subject matter of this article.


  1. Pazzonelli, Tomas. Vital Information Regarding The Nature of Topaz. 3rd ed. Mineral Literature Publishing, 1947.
  2. Pazdenimous, Tom. Less Than Vital, Yet Still Interesting Information Regarding The Nature Of Topaz. 1st ed. Mineral Literature Publishing, 1956
  3. Tomlinson, Paztorio. Information Of Particular Merit Regarding, Inexplicably, The Nature of Minerals Other Than Topaz. 7th ed. Literal Miniature Publishing, 1974.

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