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Get ready to patronise Nancy.

Tourism is the disgusting international habit of visiting other countries with the expressed purpose to mock other civilisations. It has always been followed by imperialism, exploitation, slavery and Coca-Cola.

Since it was expensive to travel, the first 'tourists' were originally very rich. You also had economic tourism, people who either bought a one-way ticket or themselves had been purchased for the same end. This helped to spread people all around the world with no rights to be there. This therefore includes all modern states like USA, Australia and Brazil.


Tourism, as distinct from invasion and conquest, only really started in the 16th century. The smug Europeans were the first group to want to travel outside their cramped extension of Asia. They quickly conquered the Americas and moved people they didn't like into reservations or mountains or jungles in order to exploit everything they could find.

Economic Impact[edit]

Pool party.

The first tourists always preferred to steal rather than pay for anything (ask the Incas and Aztecs). Later on the tradition was to barter. Europeans would offer the natives their socks, in exchange for gold and silver.

When these resources ran out, then it was onto to 'tourism'. Visiting sites of special interest and then looting the building and taking it bits back home.

After a few hundred years the natives finally understood what tourism really meant. By then it was too late. They had become permanently exploited.

Cultural Impact[edit]

The economic impact was followed by the cultural one. Since all evil comes from Europe, this involved introducing Christianity and getting the locals to forget their native tongues and speak only in English/Spanish/Portuguese and Russian. Oh, and French.

This does sound a lot like colonialism which indeed it was. But along the line the Europeans realised that they needed a better narrative for why they were in a particular country. They naturally started visiting each other's countries in Europe as a dry run before going to mass tourism after the end of World War Two.

Reasons why Tourism took off and became more 'demotic' in its appeal was cheap travel, cheap hotels and cheap booze. This at first looked like quite harmless. Non-Europeans got used to seeing these white skinned foreigners lying on beaches with their mouths wide open. This however led onto something new, a sub-branch of tourism.

Sex Tourism[edit]

A different type of Thai takeaway.

Once again we can blame the Europeans for this. Americans don't usually count as none of them have passports and the few that do travel, can't afford the insurance.

Sex tourism originally started with European stereotypes. Hot blooded northern Europeans (English, Germans, Scandinavians) were led to believe that south European women were sex-starved. Conversely southern European men were told that the women from the colder latitudes were aching for some old style romantic passion. Eastern Europeans didn't count then as it was still the Cold War.

In the mid 1980s and on, a new type of tourism was encouraged. It was called 'Sex Tourism'. This threw off any pretence of cultural enlightenment (the supposed benefits of tourism) and embraced the full-on, Emmanuelle fantasy of sex under mosquito nets and exotic erotic practices that would be illegal back home (especially in Salt Lake City).

Tourism and Terrorism[edit]

ISIS always welcomed tourism from fellow sympathisers.

The link between tourism and terrorism was first established by Che Guevara and the PLO. Recruits were encouraged to join these groups as if they were adventure holidays which had a possibility of death. Later on Al-Qaeda and ISIS made this risk 100% by advertising their 'Come to the Caliphate' holiday brochures where the 'martyrs' death was given a five star rating.

One of the first to see that tourism would lead to terrorism was former USA President George Dubya Bush. His aggressive message that 'tourism was attacking America' encouraged those few remaining Americans to burn their passports and anyone else foolish enough to visit.

Virtual Bucket and Spade[edit]

With tourism and terrorism now so thoroughly mixed up together, governments now want their people to stay where they are not visit anywhere beyond the national borders. If people still want to travel they can either become super rich or turn to what are called 'virtual bucket and spade' holidays. This is new technology (undergoing development) which will allow people to imagine they have physically travelled around the world when in reality they have just visited the fridge on multiple expeditions.

It's hoped the 'VBS' as it is called will finally undo the centuries of damage that tourism has done and will also see the end of terrorism as well.