UnNews:2001 Space Odyssey faked, allege conspiracy theorists

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Friday, April 19, 2024, 19:06:59 (UTC)

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26 May 2006
Unsubstantiated rumormongers have substantiated this week that the historic manned mission to Jupiter of the Space Odyssey Program in 2001 was faked by NASA, on secret orders of the Bush Administration.

Professional conspiracy theorists claim that they have uncovered a tear-stained website personally written by the late Charles K. Johnson (former president of the Flat Earth Society), which describes in gory detail on how he conspired with NASA officials in doctoring hundreds of photographs of the Discovery I spacecraft (purportedly taken within the Jovian system) in exchange for shitloads of money. However, most scientific historians dismiss this foolish story completely out of hand, partly because Professor Johnson was a morally righteous Bible-believing individual who was dedicated to Truth itself, but mostly because the conspiracy theorists are, quote, "complete jerkwads". In addition, the historical scientists state that, since President Bush is far too dumb to mastermind such a massive coverup, the logistical nightmare of creating such a detailed fiction sufficient to fool the scientifically-savvy American public would be far more costly than performing the actual mission itself (as detailed in Stanley Kubrick's recently released Hollywood special-effects-bloated blockbusting documentary 2001: The Making of a Space Odyssey).

In a hastily-arranged press conference aboard the ISS Space Station yesterday, Starchild (formerly known as David Bowman, a United States astronaut) denied the rumors as patently false and absurd. Rotating vigorously within his protective sac, the gigantic spaceborn fetus said "These unsubstantiated rumors are patently false and absurd, because I can state for a fact that I was there. Even though the mission ended in complete disaster, I was fortunate enough to be teleported to a galaxy far far away so that I could live out the remainder of my corporeal existence in a futuristic hotel setting in less than five minutes, and successfully metamorphose into the transdimensional lifeform which you see today."

In spite of being dismissed as complete jerkwads, the conspiracy theorists continue to maintain that the massive fraudulent scheme was set in motion by the Bush administration five years ago, in order to circumvent any attempt by rival fledgling space powers to upstage America's utter lack of meaningful manned space exploration since the end of the Apollo era in 1972. When confronted with this rock-solid proof yesterday, President Bush told reporters "Oh, noes! the jig's up! it's a fair cop... errrrr... I mean, these crazy guys don't know what they're talking about. The Space Odyssey Program, even though it was massively underfunded, represents America's boldness and determination to spread American values all over the outer reaches of the Solar System. Them jerkwads saying that it was all a fake does a terrible disjustice to all them dead astronauts."

"In retrospect," continued Bush, "I feel pretty bad about how, five years ago, I ordered the permanent dismantlement of the entire project two days before the HAL 9000 onboard computer coincidentally malfunctioned and went berzerk, killing most of the crew. However, we can appreciate the fact that, even though I unintentionally cut off all hope of technical support from Mission Control for the crippled Discovery I, the control center in Houston has since been converted to a well-stocked museum glorifying America's entire history of historic space flights, which is much nicer looking than that Nazi-funded craphole in Alamogordo, New Mexico. Also, the money saved over the next ten years will go a long long way to funding the two biggest goals of my personal Space Initiative: the planting of more and bigger American flags on the moonar surface, and more and bigger tax cuts for the kids of future wealthy Americans."