UnNews:Brett Kavanaugh misspells Führerprinzip
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|Brett Kavanaugh misspells Führerprinzip|
28 October 2020
WASHINGTON — In an opinion widely regarded by legal scholars as "a joke" and "probably satire" and "wait he was fucking serious?", Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh misspelled the 20th-century German legal concept of Führerprinzip as "Foorerpretzel."
"Acording to the anchent German law of nature, the Foorerpretzel," the opinion read, "whatever the leeder says is correct, and Forrer Trump sed ballots are meen too him. It's a conspirasy by the Clintons and I want to kill the UN, there time is coming. Screw Flanders, screw Flanders, screw Flanders, screw Flanders..." and it went on like that.
A scholar of the German language remarked, "I don't get it. How can he know what the word means and not know how to spell it? Does anyone actually exist on this continuum, other than maybe some methed-out redneck in a shack somewhere who just heard the word from one of his more respectable friends? It's truly baffling that an allegedly educated man would write such atrocious work."
Some question whether Kavanaugh was in his right mind when writing the opinion. Normally justices have entire teams of clerks correcting their typos and double-checking their research, but a source familiar with the matter says that the opinion was written by the team over the course of one ounce of cocaine in Kavanaugh's Supreme Court office. When asked whether they should go back to it later, Kavanaugh reportedly replied, "Nah, fuck that, let's just put it out there like this to own the libs. WHO WANTS TO DO KEGSTANDS?"
Asked to confirm or deny reports, Kavanaugh simply shouted "DO YOU LIKE BEER? YOUR TIME IS COMING, UN! SCREW FLANDERS SCREW FLANDERS SCREW FLANDERS..." A question as to whether he meant Ned Flanders from The Simpsons was met with, "YES YOU FUCKING NERD I WAS DOIN A MEME, LOL I TROL YOU!!!!"
"Besides," Kavanaugh added, "Coke? Really? In DC? I'm not a fucking noob." On further questioning, he mentioned that every third DC staffer was friends with someone named "Tina," but he would not elaborate.
At press time, newly-sworn-in Justice Amy Coney Barrett was waiting for permission from her husband to weigh in on the matter.
- Steve Benen "Why Kavanaugh's mistakes in a key voting-rights case matter". MSNBC, October 27, 2020
- Philip Bump "Kavanaugh’s argument for rejecting late-arriving ballots is riddled with dubious arguments". Washington Post, October 26, 2020
- Tierney Sneed "Trump's Justices Have Finally Spelled Out Their Hardcore Approach To Election Disputes". Talking Points Memo, October 27, 2020
- Mark Joseph Stern "Let’s Count All the Errors and Lies in Brett Kavanaugh’s Defense of Voter Suppression". Slate, October 27, 2020