UnNews:Farage throws support to Trump

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25 August 2016

Farage wears a life vest to protect against the sinking of various economic unions.

JACKSON, Mississippi -- British leader Nigel Farage threw his support to Presidential candidate Donald Trump on Wednesday, saying Trump represented Farage's own brand of vague anti-establishment bluster.

Farage spoke in the middle of a speech where Trump disavowed vague anti-establishment bluster, now suggesting that millions of Mexicans could actually stay in the U.S. permanently because "we don't want to hurt anyone," least of all thousands of welfare case-workers in Washington who can send any threatening politician wherever Sarah Palin went. Trump said, "When we build that wall and make Mexico pay for it, we'll put thousands of doors and windows in it, and they'll pay for that too." Trump was to set out his complete immigration policy Thursday, "very firmly," just like the last one, but that speech has been postponed.

Farage was a key figure in the recent drive to unify 50.5% of Britons in favor of building a wall against the rest of Europe and making Mexico pay for it too. Even now, the U.K. is seeding the English Channel with sharks, and backhoes are carrying boulders to block the Channel Tunnel. Farage's support could net Trump all of Britain's votes in the Electoral College.

The affinity between the men was well-known, as last week Trump had twerked that the nation should "call me 'Mr. Brexit.'" Trump previously had assured Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto that he could call him "Mr. Chile Relleno," and had asked Vladimir Putin to address him as "Mr. Gulag." Farage said he too would welcome a better surname for Trump, which in Britain refers to the passing of gas.

Both Farage and Cruz had a loaded chamber but were curiously unable to pull the trigger.

When Trump called Farage onto the stage and handed over the microphone, however, Farage insisted he would not actually endorse Trump, because that would be like Obama going abroad and telling Britons they should vote against Brexit (or Trump telling Britons they should vote for it). But Farage vowed, "I wouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton if you paid me." Actually paying people to vote a certain way has not been at issue, but the American billionaire thanked his guest for the "brainstorm." Pay-to-play forms no part of the Hillary campaign, either — not a single criminal charge has been filed against her — though with a handsome donation to the Clinton Family Tip Jar, Huma will schedule an appointment with the candidate, perhaps the moment she returns from the paper-shredder.

The last person to go on stage to endorse Trump and not do so was Ted Cruz, at the convention that nominated Trump. Cruz famously advised Americans to "vote their conscience," though not actually suggesting voting for Hillary, unless one is named "Jeb." Cruz's call for people to "do whatever you feel like, as long as you don't hurt anyone" would have inspired the Libertarian Party, but it already had two other washed-up politicians on its ticket.

"Mark my words," Trump said. "Nigel will be their next Prime Minister when Thatcher goes. You'll see."

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