UnNews:Hamster flushed with Spirit
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| Hamster flushed with Spirit | 
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8 February 2018
NIAGARA FALLS, New York -- A female college student has terminated her hamster by flushing it down the toilet after being denied boarding on an Spirit Airlines flight with the caged animal. The woman has alleged that she was told to flush her emotional support animal by a Spirit employee. The ticket agent, identified as Ilse Koch, has denied ordering the woman to flush the hamster but admitted under pressure that she might have suggested torturing the hamster to death before disposing of the animal in a Hello Kitty backpack owned by a hipster woman waiting for the same flight. Spirit president Reinhard Heydrich suspected that there may have been some confusion about animal policy on the student's part, as trained Russian circus bears are often allowed to take the jet controls during flights. This is particularly welcomed by both passengers and crew in the case of drunken pilots "on a small percentage of flights in bad weather".
This was after Spirit had allegedly given permission to carry the hamster on board flights. Lawyers for the student have produced their copy of a waiver of liability in case of hamster attack, not only signed by the student but also requiring the hamster's mother's signature. The original was allegedly duly returned to Spirit. The airline has denied receiving any physical pieces of alleged mail in the last fourteen months.
Spirit Airlines has flatly denied that anyone told the young woman to flush her hamster. According to their lawyers, this is due to the fact that holding an empty cage full of wood shavings and hamster poop does not constitute the alleged existence of alleged hamsters owned by alleged passengers in alleged airports. Spirit has checked all its security cameras and found no evidence of wrongdoing, especially since they were all on a table in its workshop at the time.
PETA stated that people who need emotional support animals may be the least qualified to own the same, unless they have a large backyard and lots of shoeboxes. The animal rights group further suggested that carrying a teddy bear or having a heavy drinking habit was preferable to owning an animal that doesn't swim for a living. They also expressed concern that if the young woman was told to chill, she might have gone and locked herself in a freezer somewhere.
Since the report became public, people have been jamming Spirit Airlines terminals in order to flush their unwanted pets and children. This has resulted in long lines of people standing in several inches of water from backed-up toilets. Further, confusion has led to passengers smuggling unwanted pets onto flights. Attempts to flush victims down the tiny airplane toilets has led to wet and angry animals and children running amok on 57% of Spirit's flights, an alarming increase of over 8%.
In response, Spirit is now instituting Express Flushing™ for a $55 yearly fee. Extra large toilets are being installed for disposing of larger animals. Spokesman Albert Speer stated that the new toilets will have the capacity to handle a 2-year-old bear of any species but also warns that terminal passengers should not try use the special toilets for themselves for transport to the local beach. "It'll really mess up your hair", he cautioned sternly.
Sources[edit]
- Joseph, Leslie "College student says she flushed her emotional support hamster down the toilet at suggestion of Spirit Airlines". CNBC, February 8, 2018