UnNews:Han Solo implicated by new evidence

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13 June 2015

Who-shot-whom is now up in the air.

MOS ISLEY, Tatooine -- Han Solo, a hero to generations of moviegoers, has been implicated of manslaughter by the release of evidence that was bottled up for decades.

Every copy of Star Wars shown since 1997 has shown entrepreneur Greedo firing first in a bar-room gunfight with bounty hunter Mr. Solo. However, "CGI" is often able to falsify reality. In the movie trilogy, everything was staged except the faster-than-light space travel. Princess Leia was even hideously ugly and was rendered as eye-candy cheesecake only by the magic of special effects.

Now, a script has emerged that claims Mr. Solo fired the first shot, before Mr. Greedo even moved to his weapon. Librarian Kristian Brown found the fan-made copy in a back room of the campus library at the University of New Brunswick at Saint John, Canada's repository for authoritative but suppressed facts on the rebellion against the Empire.

Brown, taking time out from re-shelving books and preparing the next public-employee union campaign to cast librarians as perfect role models for students, was looking for something else entirely, but guaranteed "100 percent" that Mr. Solo shot first. Lucasfilm Publicity said the script is authentic, and said fans are always welcome to leave a shooting with "souvenirs," such as a script that is about to be rewritten to whitewash the franchise's hero.

However, authorities question the authenticity. For one thing, the script is not entitled Star Wars but Proposed New Movie, and Luke Skywalker is referred to as Lucas Ladykiller. The script could be of a different movie entirely, perhaps a cancelled project.

One thing is certain: Neither the script nor the "librarian" could have been planted by Lucasfilm Publicity itself, whose latest sequel, Star Wars XII: The Cash Register Re-Rings, is set to open on December 18. Harrison Ford will reprise the role of lovable "scoundrel" Mr. Solo, his walker re-fitted with thousands of LEDs, and nozzles and tubes suggesting armaments.

Sidekick Chewbacca could not be reached for comment, as he is about nine feet tall.

Sources[edit]

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