UnNews:Huffman flunks big test
Huffman flunks big test
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 4, 2020, 05:27:UTC)(
13 September 2019
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Actress Felicity Huffman was sentenced today for her involvement in the widespread college admissions exam cheating scandal. She earlier pled guilty to bribing a high school counselor to fake crucial Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) scores in order to get her daughter into a "cool school". She also pled guilty to doing "anything a great mom would do to help her child", which would include bombing the judge's and prosecuting attorney's houses.
She reportedly cried during court proceedings despite it being well past the deadline for Emmy nominations.
Huffman's daughter, nameless as her mother was too busy with her own career to be bothered, made a public statement outside the courtroom. "It is not good to discover that your mother thinks you are too stupid to get into college. Just like Charles Manson and his mother. Thanks a lot, Mom." The 18-year-old was then taken away to begin a lifetime of therapy and mind-numbing drugs.
Antonius Phillip ("Tone") Getty-Rothschild Rockefeller y Guzman IV, spokesman for the ultra-privileged, noted "This is an unfortunate turn of events. The old school method was more direct, bribing the admissions officer of the university of her choice. If not for cash, then this actress knows how things work with characters like Harvey Weinstein in her tatty little world. I mean, didn’t she see the film Forrest Gump? And even if her child is a total derp, look at how successful someone like George W. Bush became despite never attending any school in which he was enrolled."
The situation was exposed when Huffman's daughter scored 1760+++++ with an added "Good Job!" in red on her SAT college admission test, whereas 1600 is the maximum possible score. Huffman retorted, "What parent would not be proud of their child giving 110%?" With the revelation of more false information being uncovered, Yale has withdrawn the football scholarship it planned to give her nameless daughter while Cambridge University has withdrawn its offer of the Stephen Hawking chair in theoretical astrophysics.
Huffman may receive the maximum penalty of writing "I will not cheat" 200 times on a blackboard. Her family is worried about the additional penalty of the release of their slaves with facial plastic surgery who were used to take tests for their children. A spokesman explained, "The family was just giving these unfortunate people the chance to pay off their student loans to ITT Tech and Trump University." When asked about the plastic surgery, the spokesman responded "We really liked the movie Face-Off. Plus there's no accounting for ugly."
- Helling, Steve "Felicity Huffman Gets Sentenced in College Admissions Scam Today: Here's What to Know". People, 13 Sept 2019