UnNews:IPad selling briskly, whatever it is

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8 April 2010

Unlike this prototype, the iPad omits the duct tape; and instead of the ability to make four phone calls at once, provides none at all.

SILICON VALLEY, California -- Sales of the new iPad device from Apple have not been held down by near-universal inability to figure out what the hell it is.

"It's a cell phone that doesn't fit in your pocket, and doesn't let you make phone calls," says Elton Nau, who crossed the border from Toronto to buy his fourth unit for a trip to Europe. He'll also be taking his laptop, as the iPad has no USB ports or any other way to move information in and out.

Computer fan Tom Kenzaki, who bought an iPad merely to show it off, adds, "Pretty much anyone who plays with it for a few minutes says they want one." He is not fazed by the iPad's weak wireless signal or the fact that it malfunctions on some networks, a problem Apple deftly solved by advising that you change the name of the network. He proudly showed this reporter his walk-in closet, brimming with other disused gadgets he had also been the first in his city to buy.

Teenager Michael Yurechko calls the iPad "something I'd give my parents, because it can't get viruses." With a half million units already in the hands of affluent, gullible users, the entire nation of Moldavia is working on this problem. "You can't screw it up," Mr. Yurechko adds, which owes to the fact that the heavy, GPS-less unit, which can only do one thing at a time, arrives pre-screwed-up.

Market researcher Warren Foont says the average iPad customer has nose and tongue piercings and no real reason to surf the Internet in the first place. He says a solid one-third receive payments claiming permanent disability. "The unit's real test will come when the batteries and storage wear out and users find out you can't just snap in a replacement. Of course, 24% of buyers also drive Priuses with 'Free Tibet' bumper stickers. If the iPad lasts longer than those two tons of lead-acid batteries, they'll think it's no big deal."

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