UnNews:Johnson to appoint Thanos for Brexit fix

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Tuesday, August 11, 2020, 18:27:59 (UTC)

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3 July 2019

Home Secretary of the future: The Right Honorable Mr. Thanos, MP for Christchurch in Dorset, could be the key to finally releasing the Brexit deadlock

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Boris Johnson has promised Brexiters he will appoint Marvel supervillain Thanos as an MP in order to break the Brexit deadlock, should he succeed Theresa May as Prime Minister.

As front-runner to be the next leader of the Conservative Party, Mr. Johnson’s Brexit strategy is to utilize Mr. Thanos’ Infinity Stones to erase one-half of Mrs. May’s top team from history, as well as ablating the 48 percent of the UK who voted remain.

Johnson's strategy chimes with Mr. Thanos universal political policy; notably that removing half a population through genocide, eases pressure on the public purse, reduces waiting times for medical treatment and provides a boost to any planet attempting to achieve its 2050 carbon emissions goals.

Hailing from Saturn’s moon Titan, Mr. Thanos is known as one of the most powerful dark entities in the Universe and has clashed with many foes, including the Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, the X-Men and the BBC’s Jonathan Dimbleby.

However, many politicians and political commentators view Mr. Johnson’s Titanian appointment as a smokescreen, in a cynical response to criticism over his anti-immigration stance and alleged racist comments as Foreign Secretary. Mr. Johnson however, remains optimistic the all-blue Tory hopeful, has the strength and guile to bring to order the snaky arch-remainer and leader of the House of Commons, John “The Prince of Mischief” Bercow.

Leader of the House and Prince of Mischief, John Bercow will be a powerful foe to Thanos, as the wielder of the secret 7th Infinity Stone, known as the "Shouty Stone".

The House of Commons Speaker recently revealed his intention to block a hard Brexit by stopping Government spending, in another Parliamentary “cut off your nose to spite your face” approach to a Brexit solution. Bercow's announcement is considered by Westminster bureaucrats as more extreme than Mr. Thanos’ purging policy.

Without funding for the Parliamentary Committee on Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs, the UK would forever lose its bright future as an independent Orwellian dystopia… or as a fawning, subordinate Orwellian Dystopia, bound forever to the EU’s darkest dimensions, via a purple sparkly portal hovering menacingly around the Irish border.

Instead, the shackles of democracy would be cast away and the power of Westminster will diminish. With a surge of car-boot sales, organised without first seeking Borough Council approval, and a flagrant disregard for obtaining coarse fishing licenses on the banks of the country’s rivers and canals, the Westminster folder-wielders are adamant the UK will plunge into administrative chaos, during weekends and bank holidays.

However, if Johnson’s leadership campaign is successful, Mr. Thanos would be appointed as Home Secretary, replacing Sajid “Dr Strange” Javid and installed as the MP for the prim and somnolent retirement town of Christchurch. With its ranks of moored leisure boats and mobility scooters, the quiet Dorset borough will offer Mr. Thanos the safest Tory seat in what would remain of the UK… without the remainers.

Mr. Javid himself has leadership aspirations, but was voted out in a recent poll after describing himself as “Tomorrow’s leader, today” on Twitter. Reacting to cries of foul-play among the back benchers, Mr. Bercow pointed out that becoming leader of the Conservative Party via a temporal anomaly created by the Time Stone, was not against Parliamentary rules; but he acknowledged it could be put to better use, by winding the clock back to 2015.