UnNews:Massachusetts school's winter break renamed to please all religions

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16 December 2007

CUMMINGTON, Massachusetts, USA: Following complaints from numerous religions yesterday, the Cummington, MA school district was forced to rename its winter vacation. In a hotly debated decision, the "Winter Break" is now referred to as "Chrisma-Hanukk-wanza-Ramadan-Hindu-Buddha-Winter-Solstice Vacation."

It all began when an evangelical Christian group in the town demanded that the school PTO change the name of the brief winter vacation to "Christmas vacation," which it had been changed from a few years back due to conflicts with the US Constitution. "All we wanted was for everyone to believe what we believe and be exactly like us," lamented Judith Claire, the spokeswoman for the group. "Why can't they all just do what we tell them to?"

Even the most careful rearrangement of the calendar left no room for mention of the vacation dates.

This demand did not go over well with the school board. The claim would have simply been dismissed as just more pointless religious complaining, but other religions quickly realized the potential for getting the vacation named after one of their holidays. Soon enough, the Jewish Rabbi in Cummington declared that the school needed to name their vacation after Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights. Almost immediately after this, the Muslim Imam demanded a holiday named after Islam's holy month of Ramadan. All the while, the three religions insisted that the current name, "Winter Break," was far too atheist to be allowed to remain the title of the vacation.

Finally, the school board buckled, and agreed the holiday to rename the break. Still, they needed a break which satisfied everyone. "We knew we had to get all the religions," said PTO spokeswoman Laura Williams. "Otherwise we'd have to deal with this whole thing all over again." According to Miss Williams, there was only one logical choice: Chrisma-Hanukk-wanza-Ramadan-Hindu-Buddha-Winter-Solstice Vacation.

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time," said Williams sheepishly.

Apparently, it didn't seem like a good idea for very long. Said Williams: "Ugh. This whole thing is a bloody nightmare. Do you know how much extra time on the phone I spend telling people about "Chrisma-Hanukk-wanza-Ramadan-Hindu-Buddha-Winter-Solstice Vacation???" Not only is it annoying, it's running up our phone bills! Plus all the extra ink we need to buy for printing notices about the dates of the break. And don't even get me started on school calendars. Have you ever tried to fit "Chrisma-Hanukk-wanza-Ramadan-Hindu-Buddha-Winter-Solstice Vacation" into a one-inch by one-inch square?"

Where is she, anyway?

Throughout the town, parents and students are reacting in different ways to this news. "Oh, they changed it?" commented one boy, Chris Evans, who attends the 8th grade. "Cool." Deep insight.

The local mother of 3 children in Cummington schools, Tracie Browne, commented that she "Didn't have time to answer any questions." She was clearly busy preparing for her children coming home for Chrisma-Hanukk-wanza-Ramadan-Hindu-Buddha-Winter-Solstice Vacation. Her views echoed those of many others, who were "not interested, thanks," or didn't "have 30 seconds to answer one question," or just wanted UnNews to "get the hell out" so they could "eat dinner." Strange views, but persistent ones.

Once UnNews had interviewed all the people that would return their calls, this news article went to UnNews's editor. "Uh, how is this going to make international news?" he asked, when the story was brought up.

UnNews responded, "Well, Paris Hilton hasn't really done anything lately, we needed something to fill our page 8 column..."

Coming soon: UnNews will have the latest Paris Hilton updates. Where the hell is she, anyway?


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