UnNews:New thing called wheel make move mud less hard

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7 August 2007

Is anything mud not do? No. Mud good.

HUTS-BY-RIVER, River's Edge -- The discovery of the wheel will, according to its creator, Org, revolutionize the transportation of mud, wet dirt and mixtures of water and dirt, and pave the way to paving the way.

"Org take pride in wheel." said Org at a press conference held outside his mud hut, so-called because it uses a cutting-edge material called mud for the majority of its construction. Only the roof, walls and floor are made of the now obsolete dung. "Before today man have hard time taking mud from here to there. Also there to here. Hard work for man. Man tire, get sleepy. Sleepy man fall down, be eaten by lion, tiger or bear. Oh, my!"

Org's wheel is a round, wheel-shaped object that resembles a thick dinner plate placed on its side. Current prototypes are hand cast from mud that is tightly packed, then dried to become not-wet, or 'unwet', in layman's terms. After the unwetting process the mud ceases to squish between your toes, reputedly turning almost as hard as stone, the hardest material known to cavemankind.

Soon wheel move mud more far than feet. Move caveman too. Plus other caveman, Bing. Bing have spear. Me like Bing. But me digress.

"Soon Org plan to build stone wheel. For now, make stone round for wheel too hard on fingernails. No tool yet for rounding unround rocks. Org sad." continued Org, a recent graduate of MIT.

MIT, or Mug Institute of Technology, is the preeminent and only school in the known world. Started by Mug, its graduates form a who's-who in science and industry. Ugg, for example, invented science, and Sir Winston Archibald Pennywise-Smyth-Fairchild-Ook discovered industry. Mug, one of the world's foremost inventors, created the spear, currently the world's most popular and efficient way to bring down prey. Upon its release just over a decade ago, his spear-based hunting technique, called 'poke food, make red goo come out', quickly supplanted earlier hunting techniques, including 'forget animal, eat berry' and 'be eaten by tiger, tiger get sick, die, survivors eat tiger'.

"Grunt!" exclaimed Org as he pulled an animal hide cover off of the state-of-the-art prototype. "See? Wheel! Org happy! Is round and in middle is hole for 'axle'. Org still work on 'axle'...not ready for prime time. Hole nice. Org not yet decide hole be round or not-round. Org make up mind; hole be round, like wheel."

At this point few people outside of Org's company, OrgCo, know what an "axle" is. Indeed, the notoriously tight-lipped Org has given few hints as to its nature. Insiders theorize that the "axle" will pass through the hole, with half of the "axle" on one side of the wheel and half on the other. This advance will allow the wheel to transport up to two cavemen for distances up to what Oom, science analyst for the Daily Cave Wall Paint, describes in his longwinded and pretentious style, as "...far..."'.

Org (left), Meep (bottom left), and reporter, Un (right), at pre-press conference hunt. Also, gather. Bring own beer.

Experiments with an early, hole-free version of the wheel, published last year in Tiger Beat Magazine, came to the conclusion that the wheel could carry mud for a distance of less than one-half rotation. If the wheel moved farther than that, the mud slid off and fell on the ground. OrgCo lawyers sued the magazine for libel, but the case was thrown out of court. The reasons cited by the presiding judge, Erp, were that "...case go on too long. Sun down now. Erp hungry. Erp cold. Law not discovered yet. Court too. Is itchy on bottom of me. Case dismiss!".

An upcoming column in Journal Hard Stuff: Science, Math, Fire, meanwhile, is expected to put forth the notion that the combination of two or more wheels, an "axle" and the not-yet invented "board" could be combined to form a 'Mud-hold-a-lot-of-it-velocitator'. This future advance could be used to move, or "velocitate", mud, and a lot of it, for much greater distances than the wheel and "axle" alone.

A lone protestor at the press conference, Ludd, spokesman for Mud Walker's Union, Local 137, believes that the wheel will decimate the mud walking industry. "Ludd and friend lose job. Family starve. What Ludd do now? Kid need braces! Ludd smash!"

To close the press conference Org, anxious to return to his hut before sundown, surprised the assembled crowd by proposing to his long-time girlfriend, Meep. "Org love Meep. Meep join Org. Meep make Org happy man!" he said, on bended knee. A teary eyed Meep grunted in the affirmative to the romantic proposal and accepted the traditional, if somewhat atavistic, bonk on the head with a club. Org then dragged her away by the hair to his hut.

UnNews wishes Org and Meep the best of luck in their marriage, and all of cavemankind waits with bated breath to see just what Org comes up with next.

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