UnNews:Obama KOs the XL

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7 November 2015

Obama exults in his victory over both industry and scrutiny.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama has embarked on the most audacious feat of his transformational Presidency: To convince the nation that it really took seven years to decide that building the XL Pipeline was "not in the national interest."

Success on this front will show that enough procrastination always saves the day. During the seven-year delay:

  • America stopped drilling on federal land (and in the Offshore Permit Office) and switched to state-owned and private land,
  • Fracking made new drilling unnecessary,
  • Mr. Obama's domestic policies reduced oil consumption by drastically reducing driving to work, new business start-ups, and long cross-country vacations, and
  • Partner nation Canada replaced a right wing government with a left wing government that doesn't care about yucky oil anyway.

Mr. Obama made the announcement on a lawn of the White House that has been renamed Obama Legacy Park, surrounded by owners of railway tank cars. He said America's new challenge was to become a "global leader in serious action to fight climate change," as becoming a global leader in serious action to fight global conquest — by ISIS, and Russia, or China — has not panned out.

New House Speaker Paul Ryan called Mr. Obama's decision "sickening." Paramedics were called to the capital to treat this sickness but none wanted to come close to whatever that goo in his hair is.

Mr. Obama said John Kerry made the decision, which Mr. Obama announced late Friday afternoon, when networks were preoccupied by an incessant but potentially fatal drumbeat of serious charges by Politico that Republican candidate Ben Carson had lied about his youth. The Republican Party with its historic majority in Congress was busy with palace intrigue as usual and was not a factor.

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Congress OKs the XL

Mr. Obama said that "We know that human activity is changing the climate," though we do not know whether the result will be global warming or global cooling or even whether it will snow next week, only that we must act soon — otherwise it will be too late. He said that killing the pipeline is good for the environment, as Canada will have to re-route the pipeline to the west and sell the oil to China. Aides conceded that the Administration has taken other actions that make more of a difference, such as making certain cars illegal, making certain jobs illegal, and now making certain power plants illegal. Industry has swiftly adapted, in a process that has not cost anyone anything and has ensured that anyone who liked the prior arrangement can keep it. Period. In Mexico.

Mr. Obama said that building the XL5 would not really have lowered gas prices much, which are not really too high anyway, two facts that only deniers would deny. Except compared to not building it. As well as making the U.S. a leader on climate change, the action makes it a leader on prohibiting new ideas without asking Washington for permission, waiting seven years, and leaving empty-handed; and there is no proof that that will cause harm either.

Project leader TransCanada had put its request on hold, apparently believing that Nebraska might get it done sooner (meaning: ever). White House press secretary "Josh" "Earnest" said, "There may be politics at play." Newspaper editors cleared Page One for stories on this shocking turn of events.

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