UnNews:Obama proposes legalizing prostitution, pot

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15 February 2012

Barack Obama, after announcing his intention to legalize prostitutes and pot

Washington, DC - In an unprescendented turn of policy, President Barack Obama has taken a big political risk by endorsing the legalization of both marijuana and prostitution. He is urging Congress and the Senate to pass his legislation that now makes it legal for whores to peddle their wares and people to light up a joint whenever they feel the need for weed. Some critics argue that Obama is simply reaching out to disenfranchised former supporters and has no intention of actually legalizing either activity. Former supporters who voted him in back in '08 are frustrated with Obama because of his lack of initiative on many progressive issues and his kowtowing to Republicans on issues such as the Bush tax cuts.

Upon hearing this criticism, Obama immediately fired back with a response. He did acknowledge dropping the ball on several progressive issues but insisted that he only did so because he was threatened with covert assassination if he displeased the corporate elite. He said he attempted to help people as best he could given his limited power as the President of the Free World. He insists, however, that he is serious when it comes to legalizing prostitution and pot. He says these are tiny crimes that tie up our already full justice system and cost the taxpayers billions of dollars enforcing. He says that money can be better spend prosecuting meth dealers, sex offenders, and killers rather than johns, hookers, and stoners. He says legalizing whores will allow them to be regulated and taxed. They will be screened for STDs and violent pimps can be more easily removed. He says many politicians already use prostitutes anyways, including his good friend Eliot Spitzer, and that this legislation will make prostitution safer and cleaner. He says this legislation offers a perfect compromise between the left and the right. The increased savings from less prisoners and increased tax revenue will allow tax rates to remain where they are and social programs to remain intact.

Liberals and libertarians are hailing this legislation as historic and many are pressuring their Senators and Congressmen to vote in favour of the legislation. Presidential Candidate Ron Paul says he agrees with legalization but disagrees with regulation, stating that the free market can regulate both the sex and pot industries. Other Republican nominees indicated that they vehemetly oppose the new legislation, including Newt Gingrich who was interviewed from his home while smoking a joint and getting a blowjob from his maid. "If this legislation passes, we will have elementary students smoking pot and middle schoolers hanging out in brothels. Legalizing either of these two demonic activities will tear apart the very fabric of this nation and destroy us all".

Barack Obama personally responded to Gingrich's comments calling them bullshit. Obama assured voters that in order to access either service, a person will need to be at least 19 years of age. "Contrary to what Newt Gingrich and the rest of the religious right thinks, we won't be handing out joints and whores in schools". He also indicated the drinking age will be lowered to 19 as well. Asked why this was, he replied that "Canada allows people to drink at 19 and they seem to do shit better up there so I figure we should follow suit". Obama indicated that in order to sell/grow marijuana or sex, one will now need to obtain a license, submit to regular inspection to ensure health, safety, and labour codes are up to standard, and pay taxes. Marijuana will now be made available in licensed liquor stores as well.

While both organized crime and the right-wing have their panties all up in a bunch, it appears that most Americans agree with Obama's proposed legislation. An estimated 65% of Americans agree that BOTH whores and dope should be legal and 40% indicated that they would use these services if they were made legal and safer. A recent poll shows 60% of Americans support Obama's bid for President, the next closest is Ron Paul, who interestingly enough also supports legalization, at 30%, all other candidates poll at under 5%. Obama clearly has the majority of Americans now behind him but whether the corporate elite and the Republican majority in the House will allow this legislation to pass remains to be seen.

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