UnNews:Obama still free of Obola

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25 October 2014

I copped another feel and Michelle thinks it's all business.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama announced that he is still uninfected by the usually fatal Ebola virus, which means the nation is safe.

Mr. Obama gave a scripted hug to nurse Nina Pham and, unlike his polling precinct in Chicago earlier in the week, no wise-ass growled at him, "Don't be touching my bitch." Ms. Pham also got a caress from the infectious disease chief after the one from the uninfectious President. Dr. Tom Frieden had read "protocols" from the federal rulebook as Ms. Pham was being cured.

The close but risk-free contact between the President and a former Ebola patient came as public health officials in New York insisted that there is no risk to anyone in the nation's most crowded metropolis, after Dr. Craig Spencer, just back from Africa, and through the CDC's "enhanced screening," took the MTA to a bowling alley. As previously reported, the CDC has explained that you can transmit but not receive Ebola by riding a bus. But these are trains. At any rate, Dr. Spencer was not contagious, as he said he did not have any symptoms at that time, and he also says that he bowled his three games without actually touching a bowling ball.

Ms. Pham had been tested five times and found to contain no Ebola virus in her bloodstream. Two tests is the usual protocol, but there is no such thing as too safe when the personal safety of the President is concerned — unless one wants to climb the fence, walk in the White House through the unlocked door, go up the stairs, and enter the Left Wing before finally being tackled. Ms. Pham said she was looking forward to "reuniting with my dog Bentley," obviously unaware that the CDC protocols required the dog to be shot and cremated and the ashes encased in ten feet of concrete for extra safety.

At press time, the U.S. borders remained wide open. However, the CDC is giving all arrivals from Liberia, Guinea, and Kings of Leon a notebook, a thermometer, and a box of Q-Tips with which to monitor themselves, unless they want to fly to Chihuahua, Mexico and walk across the unguarded southern border. Mr. Obama declared that the Ebola virus is a "junior-varsity disease vector," as the entire pandemic could only infect a total of 3 people, and he will now return to the task of making the world's ocean levels recede.

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