UnNews:Oshkosh wins tank contract

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27 August 2015

The new munition will be able to safely enclose a large number of enemy combatants in its comfy suspenders.

OSHKOSH, Wisconsin -- Oshkosh Corp. has won a U.S. Army contract to produce the next generation of Joint Light Tactical Vehicles, beating out Maryland-based Lockheed Martin and Hell-based Cheney-Halliburton.

The new vehicle — named Army B'Gosh! — uses pastel colors to accent its blue denim. The fleet could comprise 55,000 vehicles by 2040, with 49,100 going to the Army and 5,500 going to the Marines. The remainder will be sent into inner cities to let influential community activists ride around town in style.

Pentagon officials said they selected a baby clothing company over competing bids from experienced military vehicle competitors because of the prototype's colorful rattles, squeaky toys, and mobiles with chimes to entertain the troops. Additionally, the vehicle has quick-release diapers embedded in the seats, in case of the inevitable little accident during a firefight. Offering the comfort and entertainment given to small children was a strong selling point for a hard-core military vehicle, in view of the military's push toward placing women in combat.

It certainly would have nothing to do with the company's responses to lengthy IRS questionnaires about the contents of prayers spoken by management, nor with the company's campaign contributions, as this is America's most open and transparent Administration ever. Procurement officer Scott Davis, who can be emailed as Hannah Schenectady by anyone who knows the domain name of his private and unsecured email server, said the vehicle will provide a better balance of protection, payload and performance — alliteration being almost as big a goal of today's military as is fighting a World War with a minimum of casualties on either side (until Iran goes nuclear).

John Urias, the company president, a retired Army major general, and the last person to go through that notorious "revolving door" between government and industry before Barack Obama slammed it shut, said the new vehicle provides more protection than a Humvee against Improvised Explosive Devices and should neutralize that threat and force ISIS to devise a new one.

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