UnNews:Pope Francis decides he isn't a Catholic after all

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23 October 2020

Pope Francis: No longer a Catholic.

ROME, Italy -- Catholic Church leaders are confused with what to do about Pope Francis I after holiness announced that he approves of same-sex relationships and marriage.

The heavyweight in this wrestling match is Cardinal Torquemada. "Pope Francis has long caused us worry that he was diverging from official doctrine," he said. "This is the worst crisis to hit our church since that heretic Martin Luther nailed his Marxist manifesto on the doors of a church. Pope Francis needs to be deposed. The church has done it before with wayward pontiffs."

The Cardinal cited bibical teaching that men who lay with men are an abomination. He sees a wave of enforced homosexuality as a sign that the pope has abandoned the religion he is supposed to enforce, following strong evidence that the Argentinian-born pope had always been a woke liberal.

'Let's cut out Mary Magdelene from our love triangle, Jesus.'

The Pope's announcement renewed calls that he be deposed and his predecessor Pope Benedict XVI be re-enstated. If this isn't possible, an emergency church council could be called to remove Pope Francis and jail him for life. This was last done with anti-pope John XXIII in 1415. John, though convicted of piracy, rape, sodomy, murder, and incest, was still against same-sex unions.

A spokes-priest denied Pope Francis had left the church. Father Unction said the ban on same-sex couples would still apply to churches but that it was a recognition that times had changed and that some bits of Bibilical injunctions were 'flexible' and not written in stone. Except for the Ten Commandments, probably, but Moses broke those.

In other news, a bear was seen heading into the woods with a wheelbarrow piled high with toilet paper. The bear was later arrested for hoarding.

28 October 2020
UPDATE -- Worldwide Catholic organizations have weighed in on "Pope-gate" by declaring that it might be an easier alternative to putsches and purges to simply declare that Pope Francis simply did not mean what he said. For example, the Bishops' Conference of India has ruled that, while His Popeness stated that "homosexual persons have a right to a family," he went on to mention the birth family; so he must have simply meant that Mom and Dad should not disown the gay person for coming out of the closet.

Cardinal Oswald Gracias said it could also mean that gay people have the right to have a cat that gives birth to kittens.