UnNews:RIAA CEO discusses the analog hole

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Mitch Bainwol, illuminated by the very righteousness of his crusade.

In an UnNews exclusive interview today the current CEO of the Recording Industry Association of America, Mitch "Litigious Bastard" Bainwol, discussed the analog hole, and the recent controversy surrounding it.

Mitch, thank you very much for taking the time to talk to us, could you explain very quickly what the analog hole is and why it poses a problem to the RIAA? 
Sure. The basic problem that the RIAA has in protecting its property, is that after people have bought music, they can actually listen to it. So far we've made some very successful efforts to protect our property from our customers. However, even if we stop people from copying our property digitally, they will always be able to hear it, and thus to reproduce it through analog means.
Like putting a taperecorder and a microphone next to the speaker? 
Right, or by memorizing a song, and singing it to a friend who hasn't purchased the listening rights to the song. That poses a real problem for musical artists. If everybody can just sing the songs to each other, no one will ever pay for the music. That's the problem in a nutshell. Every user has its analog hole - or a-hole as we've come to refer to it - and it's that hole that the RIAA is determined to seal. It's our intention to plug customer's a-holes.
And how do you intend to accomplish this? 
That's a very good question. The intention is to prohibit, by law, any future analog recording equipment from copying analog data if we don't want it to. We'll simply insert a certain invisible and inaudible marking in the analog data, and if the recording device detects this marking, it refuses to copy the signal. Thus thouroughly plugging our customer's a-holes. It's part of a cooperative project with the MPAA and other organizations.
But surely, such a law will never get approved. 
It already has.
Eh... ok... ehm, you were saying something about a cooperative project? 
Yes, we're very excited about this. We're working together with several organizations to really get inside the a-hole. We've dubbed the project Fundamental Uncircumventable Content Control.
That's right, it's become quite the popular moniker around the RIAA. FUCC, or FUCCing as we sometimes call it has become synonymous with a clean, safe and wholesome experience of our content for the consumer, the way it's meant to be enjoyed. It combines technological innovations, objective ad campaigns to inform our customers that what they're doing is wrong and anti-piracy legislation, among other things. And we would like to apply this to the a-hole.
The consumer's a-hole... 
Exactly, we would like to FUCC our customers' a-holes. To tell you the truth, all the RIAA has been doing lately, is FUCCing our customers' a-holes. We have wanted to FUCC the American people over for some time now, and under the current administration, we are finally getting that chance.
Are consumers comfortable with this approach? It seems rather invasive. 
Let me explain to you why FUCCing the a-hole is a positive thing for the consumer too. There is a natural hierarchy in society. People need to follow the law. It's as simple as that. Without law, all you get is anarchy and terrorism. If people follow the law, the entertainment industry prospers, and people get a safe and easy delivery of their content, and they'll enjoy it so much more, knowing that they are not criminals. We at the RIAA believe in the good of humanity. We know that people inherently want to be good. It may, at first, feel like we are brutally forcing our legislation and DRM technology into people's a-holes, but their initial fear needs to be interpreted correctly. People want their a-holes FUCCed. They may be saying 'no', but they mean 'yes'.
There eh... have been... is that blood in your coffee mug? Are you drinking blood? 
What makes you say that?
You have a red milk mustache.
Oh. There have been increasing claims that the RIAA and MPAA are meddling too much with the liberties of consumers, limiting their ability to use their own property. What do you say to these allegations? 
Once again, it's a matter of interpreting signals. People may be saying they want us to go away and 'stop bothering them', but meanwhile they're leaving their a-holes exposed. We're just responding to signals that people are sending out. FUCCing these a-holes is the only way to put a halt to the moral decline that is corrupting America.
And on that note, I'd like to conclude the interview. Thank you for your time. I really need a shower. 
My pleasure. And remember, don't sing any songs in the shower unless you own the CD's..

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