UnNews:Romney not running in 2016

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30 January 2015

Many rich bankers, like this one, were enthused that Mr. Romney has dropped out of the race. No, wait, that's....

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- 2012 Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has announced that he will not run again in 2016.

Mr. Romney has an excellent reason to run -- he is getting antsy puttering around the mansions. In addition, as the Republican Party nominated him in 2012 for the usual reason -- because it was his turn -- he must be considered a front-runner, as his flaming loss makes it still his turn. However, in recent secret conversations with other 2016 hopefuls, Mr. Romney conceded that there were several "good" candidates competing for the massive we-want-a-nice-guy-who-finishes-last vote.

New Jersey (its upper deck).

At the top of this list would be Chris Christie of New Jersey (pictured at left), who has just formed LeadershipMattersForAmerica.org, a website that stresses that Mr. Christie's rivals do not think leadership matters, and which his staff, experienced in not letting daily governance be overtaken by scandal (pictured at left), will not allow to be abbreviated as LMFAO.

George W. Bush is equally impatient in his newfound career tending to a pair of goldfish in a small Dallas apartment, and his advisors have suggested that, after eight years of banana-republic rule under President Obama and the discarding of the "natural-born citizen" thing, a Peruvian-style case could be made that the 22nd Amendment, on Presidential term limitation, does not apply to the President.

Of course, this argument could work both ways, as Mr. Obama seems not to think that eight years will be enough for everyone to grasp his transformational character. Since the 2014 elections, he has been arguing that Iran simply needs a few more months to realize how nice he is, that what the Taliban does is not terrorism but what Israel does is, and that "two-thirds of Americans" need to be heard precisely because they did not vote, as do the Americans who actually were "able to keep their health care — period," despite Mr. Obama's signature law. Both of them. They are a pair of surgeons in Boise, Idaho who operate on one another and pay themselves Bitcoins.

Mr. Romney decided that the rest of the pack could fight their low name recognition rather better than he could fight his high name recognition.

Mr. Romney's departure leaves the Republican field to televangelist Mike Huckabee, several people who have Mr. Obama's lack of initial qualifications by virtue of being Senate gadflies themselves, and several Midwestern governors who will devise a comprehensive reform of insomnia — the next time one of them gives a television speech. Paul Ryan has bowed out and has even abandoned the Eddie Munster look to distance himself from pushing that wheelchair off a cliff, and Senator John McCain must also be viewed as a long shot despite giving voters a taste of the charm he showed in 2008, by calling constituents "low-life scum" and calling the Capitol Police on them.

In the 2016 general election, therefore, the American people who have twice "voted for change," will finally get results on that score, with — Clinton versus Bush.

Sources[edit]

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