UnNews:Royal summit takes Gen-X bomb off table
Royal summit takes Gen-X bomb off table
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 18, 2020, 18:14:UTC)(
15 January 2020
WINDSOR CASTLE, Berkshire -- Queen Elizabeth has defused a crisis and managed a "summit" that has guaranteed Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex KCVO ADC, and his wife, Meghan Markle NOTA, some time off from ribbon-cutting and the need to appear mature. The royal family, for its part, will receive some time off from having to treat Harry and Meghan with nominal courtesy.
The youngsters fancy puttering around North America, like Yankee sophomores with a summer off and a Eurailpass; also trying to parlay their royal titles into an income stream that is "self-sustaining," given American indifference to royalty. Harry and Meghan, unlike those colonial sophomores, will not have to grapple with foreign languages, provided they avoid construction sites, farms, and Quebec. They will spend most of their time in Canada, a place where Meghan's darker hue is so fashionable that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau avails himself of it from time to time.
The draft negotiated by Her Majesty, termed the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action, ensures that the Gen-X bomb will not be detonated and the combatants will observe a truce while they withdraw to their respective hemispheres. An awesome Weapon of Mass Destruction, the Gen-X bomb could have wiped out the royal family and left standing only the pomp and circumstance. Analysts said the timing of the accord was crucial, as Parliament had been glancing toward the Castle to see if there was a glimmer of gravitas anywhere in government.
The Plan of Action was negotiated by teleconference, except that Meghan was absent, drying her nails. The Plan relieves Harry and Meghan of their royal chores whilst they try to "find themselves," but provides a small stipend until their affairs in America become profitable. The Crown will no longer be liable for protective services for the duo, as this duty will fall, with a clang, onto the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, perhaps splashing over to the U.S. Secret Service. In the event of an economic downturn or failure to make a go of it, the parties are permitted to tear up the deal. The youngsters would then return to Cogmore Frottage and resume an utterly appropriate life "on the suck."
Canada, for its part, welcomes the young royals, while cautioning the nation is not "a halfway house" for individuals seeking an identity more firm than "the next British monarch provided that five other people all die suddenly."
The first step toward profitability is to market in the Americas a fashion line under the "Sussex Royal" trademark. Unfortunately, while Harry and Meghan nailed down the dot-com by that name, the trademark itself is owned by lawyer Joel Fogelson, who flew to Washington, D.C. and registered it earlier in the week. He says he is also the owner of several other trademarks, such as Super Bowl, as well as the patent on having a pocket-sized computer perform the functions of a telephone. He expressed willingness to licence the young royals to use the brand, though while in Washington, he has spent all his time trying to arrange a meeting with President Donald Trump to come to terms on the use of another registered trademark in his portfolio, "Make America Great Again."
Under the Plan, the youngsters vow to "contine to fully support Her Majesty The Queen." To this end, they will inscribe just below their "Sussex Royal" brand the tag line, "You'll Never Walk Alone" — a phrase Fogelson does not appear to own.
- Julius Young "Meghan Markle didn't call into royal family summit with the Queen because it wasn't 'necessary'". Fox News, January 14, 2020
- Barry Brown "Canadians voice second thoughts on royal residents". Washington Times, January 16, 2020
- Stephanie Pagones "'Sussex Royal' trademark owned by California lawyer". Fox News, January 14, 2020