UnNews:Tragic misunderstanding leads to hotel shooting

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22 June 2012

"Swear to Allah, none of us bought the pay-per-view channel"

KABUL, Afghanistan -- A shootout involving several armed Taliban members broke out in a hotel situated on the shores of Lake Qargha after a disagreement regarding the pay-per-view porn channels got out of hand. Five men, identified as Taliban members, became involved in the altercation as they attempted to check out late on 20th June. Hotel staff presented an itemised bill displaying the purchase of adult channels in one of the rooms, at which point a heated argument broke out between four of the Taliban militants and hotel staff.

Accusations flew between the two groups as hotel staff clearly stated that Tranny-Granny-Fanny-Bang Five had been purchased and watched at least twice, whilst the Taliban members fumed that they would never view such 'un-Islamic filth.' A fifth member of the Taliban was identified as standing quietly at the back mumbling that he "didn't know anything about it" and maybe there was a chance that he "had pressed the wrong button, and, well, once you turn it on you might as well make the most of it." Things reached the boiling point when a surcharge was added for taking the hotel dressing gowns and excess use of tissues before the Taliban leader realised he was going to be late for a pedicure. The gun fight lasted for several hours and resulted in dozens of deaths, as well as completely ruining the hotel lobby's excellent selection of complementary brochure and very small fold out maps.

The incident follows a series of unfortunate porn based blows against islamist militants. Famously Osama bin Laden's compound contained a huge stash of pornography, which allowed US forces to trace his numerous DVD mail orders and locate him. A US Army spokesman said "Well we were lucky he thought the internet was for heretics, because if he had discovered Porn Tube he would never have needed those shipments. I mean, even if you spent your whole life constantly masturbating, you wouldn't even make it through 10% of that stuff.' Indeed new coalition strategies are focused on dropping huge quantities of disused magazines throughout Afghanistan in the hope that it will distract militants from fighting. General John Allen explained the strategy: "Well first we started them off with some light titillation with Victoria's Secret Catalogues, Maxim and FHM. Right now we are escalating towards things such as Penthouse, and the final stage will be unleashing specialty magazines that you would hide in the deepest, darkest recess of your stash."

Many have expressed fears that similar backlashes could become more frequent. Analysts have expressed concerns that thundering around the country dumping porn everywhere could offend local cultural sensibilities. Allen denies this, "I'm sure you can all appreciate that when there is a readily available quantity of saucy material around then it is very difficult to get things done. You say to yourself 'ahh maybe just a cheeky one to start the day' and that quickly spirals until you're near-permanently sitting in a darkened room feeling a deep existential guilt about what you've done to your dignity and penis. That's what we are aiming for." Only time will tell if further shootings occur, or whether the Taliban can be truly dissuaded from their course by an influx of used Playboys with some of the pages stuck together.


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