UnNews:Trump about to concede

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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out UnNews Friday, November 27, 2020, 00:25:59 (UTC)

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13 November 2020

Donald Trump receives one additional suggestion to take a brief hiatus.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- UnNews has obtained a leaked copy of President Donald Trump's concession speech, so far locked in a safe beneath the Oval Office. The anonymous sources who leaked the text are, by definition, not disclosing their names.

Great People of the United States, that is, Republicans. Due to the present tsunami of fraudulent ballots washing up in the not-so-great states of Pennsylvania and Georgia and the like, I have decided to focus my impressive talents on other things until these ballots are identified, piled up, and burnt on the White House lawn. I will return when I see the smoke.

Until that time, I will continue to manage the important affairs of the United States from my offices in Trump Tower and Mar-a-Logo. As a magnanimous gesture, I am allowing the single worst candidate in the history of America to occupy the White House as fake president, very fake. This is a nod to those shithole countries where some lowlife gets to pretend that he is the king or something. I think he is sacrificed on the next day. Maybe we can throw Sleepy Joe onto the pile of burning ballots. Nevertheless, it is important that I get about my work leading the country instead of wasting my valuable time trying to straighten out this election. An embarrassment to America and a joke to those countries who run their elections properly. I'm looking at you, Belarus, Russia, China, and North Korea.

I'd like to honor a great friend and supporter by paraphrasing one of his most perceptive comments. Just before chugging an entire bottle of Coca Cola, he declared, "It shall return!" and it did. So I shall return to pick up the wreckage that will be the United States of America and make it great again. Until that promised day, I will return to being Clark Kent, so to speak. All that is necessary is a quick call from the Republican Party and you can get your miserable butts back to increasing the GDP and figuring how to pay for Grandma's medical bills.

Okay, is that enough?

Sources[edit]

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.