UnNews:Trump twitchy over Postmaster zeal

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17 August 2020

The President greets citizens who came to where the Bedminster Post Office used to be, to inquire about their Stimulus Checks.

BEDMINSTER, New Jersey -- President Donald Trump addressed — and gave a first-class stamp to — one of his dodgier business-associate appointees, Postmaster-General Louis DeJoy. Mr. Trump's remarks came during a press conference at his golf club here.

Mr. DeJoy, a Trump mega-donor and self-styled “Dickensian workhouse Master”, was hailed for trying to “make the Postal Service great again” through merciless asset-stripping, buttressing his own logistics empires, and beating child-labourers with tarred rope, while their flesh blistered before the burning mountains of undelivered mail.

Since taking office in June, Mr. DeJoy has made sweeping changes, cutting the workforce in half, figuratively and often literally; rolling out policies such as 20 hour work days for a mouldy bit of cheese, and stopping the delivery of most of the mail on punishment of death (having first taken the statutory steps of issuing an initial verbal warning, followed by a written warning, to maintain compliance with US employee rights laws).

Mr. Trump commented in light of escalating negative media coverage surrounding Mr. DeJoy: “Louis is a very talented guy. He is unstoppable in his enthusiasm for work, and making the post office great again. I don’t know what he’s doing over there, I don’t speak to him about it, I’ve never even looked through the window — so don’t ask me about it, but I think he’s doin’ a great job. I don't know, but I think he is.”

Mr. DeJoy's downsizing — which includes torturing agency leadership with electricity and removing post boxes by hitting them at high speed with a pickup truck — has become a major concern for Democrats. They accuse Mr. Trump of asphyxiating the Post Office to disrupt the November 3 election, expected to feature an unprecedented wave of postal voting due to the fallout from the coronavirus pandemic.

Mr. Trump brushed aside the assertion: “Are we talking about this fake election again? Fake news, fake elections…the postal voting thing? You know, it was offered to dying and nearly dead Republicans, and it was a great thing, like a last gesture from a dying patriot could give us George W. Bush, it’s a beautiful thing.

“But you think we should have postal voting for any crooked Democrat who hates our country? We all know what will happen if we do that…we know. They will win and it will be fake, that’s going to happen. So we don’t need postal votes any more, even for those that have Chinese Flu…no…we got mobility scooters, did you know about that? They’re on batteries, like my golf cart here, you see this? Just great technology…great technology for our greatest voters."