UnNews:U.N. warns Syria to halt violence or face further warnings

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5 August 2012

President Asshat gives his condolences to those killed by the rebel thugs.

ALEPPO, Syria – The U.N. General Assembly voted Thursday on whether or not it should hold another vote on Friday to condemn the growing violence in the Peaceful Democratic Republic of Free Alawites Syrians. Friday's vote was passed, sending the 6th stern warning from the international community to the regime of Bashar al-Asshat. "We cannot stand idly by while hundreds are massacred weekly," said U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, pointing his finger in the direction he believes Syria to be. "And this time we mean it!"

The vote was passed after Kofi Annan, the former hostage negotiator to Syria from the United Nations and Arab League, resigned in frustration. Meanwhile, Syrian King Bashar al-Asshat told UnNews reporters Friday that the West’s reports of atrocities being committed by the Syrian military are "distortions and lies." The Syrian military’s official stance is that armed gangs are using the Syrian military to terrorize cities. He also claimed that rebels are actually using the Syrian military to attack protesters. Without explaining how the rebels supposedly did this, Asshat then launched into a rant about how the United States has brainwashed Syria's citizenry and how the U.N. is trying to starve Syria's children by sabotaging its ability to manufacture hummus.

This explanation is contrary to, but just as unorthodox as, previous explanations by the government, such as one given in February which said that the protestors were head-butting police batons. An even stranger response was to Obama's statement that Asshat should step down, where President Asshat, in kind, called on Obama to step down. Asshat has also been making radio addresses to try and appease the rebels. In his most recent broadcast, Asshat told citizens that they "always had and always will have the freedom of oppression," before mortars (or as reported by state media, "celebratory fireworks") began hitting the town of Aleppo.

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