UnNews:UK Defence Secretary launches Op Thunberg

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21 August 2020

The eco-friendly "Ariel Automatic" low-level fighter bomber offers silent mobility and improved stealth.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Defence Secretary Ben Wallace has launched Operation Greta Thunberg, a mission to dovetail voter-friendly climate ingenuity with hardcore frontline fighting.

Wallace made the announcement during this week's Prime Ministers' Questions: “Thousands of pounds will be invested by this government to reduce the carbon boot-print of our respected armed forces, without compromising mission objectives — provided COVID-19 doesn’t get there first."

The minister praised the Ministry of Defence concepts for greener military applications, including recycled wrapping paper and biodegradable string — improving cost-efficiency under the Op Thunberg banner — as well as carbon-neutral projectiles (old tree stumps) for sustainable enemy mincing.

He also acknowledged that mistakes had been made with procurement decisions in the past: “Mr Speaker, there is no argument that the aircraft carriers were, in every conceivable way, a ridiculous idea by the Navy. However, lessons are being learned and steps taken to offset this blunder, by a process of exchanging the Surface Fleet’s thirsty gas-turbine engines with oars, and introducing a plant-rich diet for submariners.”

Under Op Thunberg, the landscape of the modern battleground will be transformed. Nestled amongst the smouldering carnage will be up to 25 state-of-the-art electric charging points, leafy cycle corridors and designated “APC only” lanes to reduce armoured-vehicle congestion during breakdowns.

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Defence described battlefield procedures: “Recycling will be prioritised by our professional and highly trained NCOs and ratings at the front line. Designated field-recycling centres with generic plastic, metal and glass bins will be commanded by a Second Lieutenant, as well as “shovel-ready” ops bins for cordite, singed webbing, flesh and bones.”

The efficiency-drive for the Army and Air Force will also see the introduction of some entirely new vehicles, including the all cardboard “Amazon Prime 2” mobile weapons platform, the “Victoria Wine” protected patrol vehicle and the “Ariel Automatic" low-level fighter-bomber. Experts estimate individual unit costs to be in the £4-£7 range.