UnNews:Ukraine "Tartgate" gets stickier

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19 November 2019

Rudy Giuliani, Knave of New York.

ORANGE CITY, Trumpland -- Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has denied stealing tarts meant for Ukraine in a deal to find dirt on a political opponent of President Humpty Trumpty.

A packed meeting of the Anarchy and Disorder Committee revealed more details of "Tartgate" and Giuliani's alleged crime with his cohorts, Igor and Oleg Shrek. The tarts had been baked by Trumpland's master bakers to help Ukraine stay loyal to Uncle Don. However, the implicit exchange was kompromat regarding crimes committed by Joe the Jabberwocky and his son Hunter Biddable. In the end, the tarts were not delivered and stayed in Giuliani's fridge.

"We didn't eat any of the tarts," claimed Giuliani. "So: no crumbs, no crime. I also have this thank-you note from President Trumpty backing up my story." However, Giulani's version of the story drew belly laughs and whistles from various magical creatures watching the committee.

Igor, who offered the kompromat

Giuliani's alibi was challenged by the committee's chairman Adam Adamant and his colleague, Nancy Drew. They claimed 'the Knave' was lying.

"We found Rudy's verson of the story a big fairy tale, bigger than even this committee," said Adamant. He added: "Those tarts were meant to make Ukraine very happy with Trumpland's bakeries and to deliver the head of Joe the Jabberwocky."

The committee has already seen other witnesses testify. These include Trumpland's former ambassador to Ukraine, Alice, a national security expert on Russian dolls the Mad Hatter, military gofer the March Hare, and finally the Dormouse. Their statements were challenged by Humpty Trumpty's keenest supporters Devin Stoat and Jim Weasel who supported Giuliani's version of the bedtime story.

President Trumpty denied he knew who "this Knave of New York" was. Trumpty said: "Rudy who? Tarts??, what like that porn model I never met?" Trumpty then hopped back on his wall and refused to answer any more questions unless Nancy Drew came over with "all her horses and all her men."