UnNews:Unrest in Syria, nobody cares

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“This has attracted my interest.”

20 April 2011

Even my poor pencil is more important.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- So few people care about the unrest in Syria, in fact, that the major news story in Washington today was that Michelle Obama's plane came within three miles of a C-17 while landing. Officials at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland claim that the first lady was never in any danger, that the mix-up was temporary, and that it was the result of an air traffic controller's error.

"Really, I don't know what the fuss is about," an airport official commented, "Mrs. Obama's plane, a Boeing 747, was asked to perform a 'go around' maneuver - which just means to circle once and then come back in for landing five minutes later - because the runway in question was occupied. If the 747 had landed at that time, it would've just gotten jet exhaust all over its new paint job; that's all that we were trying to avoid... it would've been nothing more than an inconvenience. No one was ever in any danger."

Mrs. Obama, reportedly, was never notified of the issue until well after the fact, and said that she didn't even notice the change in flight pattern.

It is unclear if the air traffic controller was asleep when he made the mistake.

This non-news, however, completely overshadowed the developments coming out of the Middle East, where Syria has been undergoing civil unrest for nearly a month now. American newspapers even reported a story out of Arizona, where the state governor vetoed a bill that would require presidents to provide their birth certificates to get put on the state ballot, over the Syrian uprising. News critics the world over are appalled that the veto of such a "politically charged non-bill" could possibly create more press than an entire nation's revolution.

"For every character used to type out this news story on the so called 'Birther Bill' in Arizona, at least 7.3 letters should have been used in similar stories on the state of Syria," Michelle Goodall claimed. "The whole 'Birther Movement' has long been pushed to the side and dismissed as irrelevant - the fact that Mr. Trump is talking about it is undeniable proof of this - yet here we are, reading about it in online newspapers. It's something that only gets reported by fake news sources like The Carrot or Tomato or whatever that thing is called."

As appalling as it is for the "Birther Bill" to upstage Syria, however, the Arizona veto didn't even get as much press as the report that Cincinnati Reds' starting pitcher Mike Leake had gotten arrested for shoplifting at a Macy's Department Store. The story described how the professional baseball player, currently making $425,000 a year and two years after picking up a $2.3 million signing bonus, had gotten caught trying to steal $60 worth of t-shirts from a Cincinnati shop. It ended up making local television newscasts as far away as New Mexico.

"While this is some prime off-beat news, it's still just there for a laugh," Goodall said, "It should never be put on a newscast in place of real news like the stuff coming out of Syria, especially if the newspaper's headline says something about the country. That just makes the reader expect to learn something new about what's going on there, and not providing it is simply horrendous."

In an attempt to rectify this issue, UnNews tried contacting a Syrian revolutionary to see what they thought about the issue. Unfortunately, the phone was on the other side of the room and no one wanted to get up.


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