UnNews:Worldwide crime rate quadruples during Earth Hour

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, April 24, 2024, 17:26:59 (UTC)
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29 March 2008

Sixty because there's sixty minutes in an hour, sixty minutes in which to burglarize...

SYDNEY, Australia (at first) -- It was meant to be an hour of hope as millions around the world switched off their lights and put out their weed, the night of March 29 at 8 o'clock, in a symbolic effort to reduce electricity consumption and fight global warming. That hope was shattered at 9 O'clock when everybody realized that more electricity will be used than was saved to sentence the sudden epidemic of criminals to death by electrocution (in the relevant jurisdictions).

As each city passed over the 8 O'clock time zone - The Time Zone of Death, some called it - a wave of crime swept over that place like the bubonic plague. The incidence of burglary, rape, killings and huffing of stolen kittens quadrupled in some areas, and alarmingly more than doubled in others.

"It's terrible," said one distraught cat owner, "they huffed my babies! They huffed them and left kittens in their place! At least have the decency to match the breed of my cat!!"

The WWF, the original organizers of the Earth Hour movement said that the phenomenon will not stop them from arranging the event for next year.

"I'm sure you'll agree with me when we say the problem isn't lack of lighting but rather lack of complete lack of lighting. While there are still some lights turned on, the criminals will be able to see; but if we had no lights at all, there's no way they can do their jobs. That's our theme for next year: the absolute annihilation of illumination. Although no one will be able to see, we'll have an army of Earth Hour officers patrolling each participating city with night-vision goggles, just in case. Where did we get all the money for the goggles? Um, we can't disclose that information..."

During the hour, there were also reports of light-adapted nocturnal city animals reacting badly with their biological clocks, but really, who gives a damn about Mother Nature?

Sources[edit]

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