UnPoetia:The Catwoman in the Hat

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The Sun did not shine.
The pop-up version of this Dr Seuss classic was particularly popular with fathers.
It was too wet to play.
So, we sat in the house
all that cold, cold, wet day.
I sat there with Sally.
We sat there, we two.
And I said, "How I wish
We had something to
DO!"


Too wet to go out.
And too young to fuck.
So, we sat in the house.
Pre-adolescence sucks.
Page One
So, all we could do was to
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
And did we enjoy it?
No! We thought it was SHIT.


The live-action movie featured more bondage gear & cleavage than the book.
And then something went BUMP!
How that bump made us jump!
We looked!
Then we saw her.
That terrible twat!
We looked!
And we saw
the catwoman’s crap hat!
And she said to us,
"Why do you sit there like that?
I know it is wet
and you’re feeling quite bored.
But we can have
fun just doing the chores!"
Page Two
Cartoon Network turned down the animated pilot episode until more whips, chains and restraints were added.
Then Sally and I
could only whimper and moan.
Our Mother was out.
We'd been left with this crone.


But our fish said, "No! No!
That cat is a jerk!
Tell that catwoman
you do NOT want to work.
She should not make you tidy.
The dust makes us cough.
She should not make you polish
Say “Catwoman, FUCK OFF!""
Page Three
For a species with a 3-second memory, Dr Seuss' fish have an impressive vocabulary.
Said Catwoman, "Fish are stupid, and useless,
Fish are spiteful and mean.
Fish are lazy and feckless.
And don't like to clean.


You claim you cannot 'cause your fins are too soft.
So, I will not!
I cannot!
I will NOT fuck off."


Page Three
"Have no fear.
Have no fear!" said the cunning feline.
Scrubbing and scouring is never malign,
I love sweeping and washing.
And cleaning, I like
For this woman’s a veritable stereo-type."
A puntastic domestic cat.
"And you too will love sweeping and washing.
Sally, what do you say?
Surely, it’s true that all girls are this way.
And you, boy, will love cleaning
though there is no pay.
I know what you know.
And you know you are gay.
These opinions of mine
passed their sell-by date
on October the first
1958."
Page Four
The original ending of the book was considered unsuitable for pre-schoolers.
"Are you a paedo?" said fish.
"A perv home-invader?
Put me down!" said fish.
"Please children, dissuade her!"


"Have no fear!" said the cat.
"I will not swallow you whole.
I will chew you up slowly.
Yes, that is my goal.
You’re naught but tiny, piscine cat-baiter!
I’ll digest your soul
and shit it out later!"
Page Five
Catwoman's enthusiasm for the litter-tray knew no end.
"Look at this! Look at this!
The rhyme-scheme's kaput.
But I have some polish
and a brush up my butt!
I can arrange all the books!
I can torture the fish!
I can dust off the mantle!
with just a tail-swish!
And look!
I can use the cat-box with barely a fart!
But that is not all!
Oh, no. It’s barely a start..."
Page Six
At the request of the Vice Squad, Catwoman rarely visited the beach.
"Look at me! Look at me!
Look at me slave!
It’s no fun to have fun.
You must learn to behave.
You can wash up the cups.
Clean the pots, pans and dishes!
You can vacuum the carpets!
as your Mother wishes!
You can degrease the oven.
And make all the beds.
And with your strange little paws,
you can iron bed-spreads.
You can descale the kettle
as I spoil your rest.
But that is not all,"
said this unwelcome guest
Page Seven
Not the pussy lips you were expecting?
That is what the cat said...
and we started to whinge.
But she fell on her back
and we saw that cat’s MINGE!


And our fish saw it too.
He saw all of her bits.
He said, "Do I like this?
Do I like pussy lips?
This is not a good sight,"
said our fish as he gawped.
"No, I do not like vulvas,
not one little bit!"
Page Eight
Like all cats, catwoman liked to sometimes crap alfresco, in the kids' sandbox, or in shoes.
"Now look what you did!"
said the fish to the cat.
"You tidied the house!
Polished this!
Polished that!
You scrubbed off the shit,
that stank up our crapper.
You picked up the litter
and all the sweet wrappers.
You SHOULD NOT be here
when our Mother is not.
Maria's our cleaner!"
said the fish in the pot.
Page Nine
It must flush, flush, flush, FLUSH!.
"But I like to clean.
Oh, I like it a lot!"
said the furry catwoman
to the fish in the pot.
"I will NOT go away 'til that crapper can flush.
And so," said catwoman, "I must brush!
Brush!
Brush!
Brush!
I will scour the turds that block up the pipe.
And bleach under the rim and give it a wipe."
Page Ten
Then she got out the plunger
and gave it a plunge.
And then this catwoman
used her hat as a sponge.
Overflowing loo.png


The shiny flush-handle
was stuck tight as tight.
But the irksome pussy
used all of her might.
She stood on the handle.
And jumped up and down.
'til the water came out.
And we thought we would drown.
It filled up the bathroom.
And it flowed down the stairs.
'til the house was a mess.
There were turds everywhere.
Page Eleven
"There were stools on the stools."
There was shit in the kitchen.
And scat in the hall.
There were stools on the stools.
And merde on the wall.
There was dung, and egesta.
And doody and goop.
And guano, and slurry, and night-soil and poop.


Page Twelve
Shake hands!
And then emerged Things Two and One smelling like Hell.
They said, “How do you do
I hope you do well.
Would you like to shake hands
with Thing One and Thing Two?"
And Sally and I
knew not what to do.
We would not shake hands
with Thing One and Thing Two
while their fingers were so liberally smothered with poo.
Page Thirteen
If only Sally and I had thought to distract her!
But our fish said, "No! No!
Those Things should not be
in this house which is now soaked in cat pee!
They should not be here
with your Mother at large.
Get them out! Get them out!
And their anal-discharge.”


"Have no fear, little fish,"
said the twat in the hat.
"These Things are good Things.
though they do smell of crap.
They are mucky and messy.
Disgusting, aren’t they?
But they’ve given you something
to clean this wet day."
Page Fourteen
Caution:May contain nuts.
"With matching pyjamas.
And blue hair so downy.
They’re ever so cute.
Just don’t eat their brownies!"


"No! Not in the house!"
said the fish in the pot.
"They should not spread dookie
in the house! They should not.
Oh, why must those Things spread
their foul-smelling logs?
Oh, do I like it?
I think I do not"
Page Fifteen
Obscene sign.png
Then Sally and I
saw them run, skip and hop.
We saw those two Things
spreading ordure and slops.
All the time running and skipping and hopping,
as they covered the house with their funky, brown droppings


Thing Two and Thing One!
They ran up!
They ran down!
And smothered their shite
on Mother's nightgown!
Her gown with the dots
that are pink, white and green.
When she comes home and finds this
She’ll say it’s obscene!
When Mother sees all that defecation!
She will kill Sally. I’ll suffer castration.
Page Sixteen
THe sequel, "Catwoman:Bukakke Special", was released only in Japan.
Then those Things ran about
with such decadence.
With cow-chips, horse-apples,
and much feculence.
And I said,
"I do NOT like the way that they play!
If Mother could see this!
Oh, what would she say?"


Then our fish said, "Look! Look!"
And he shook with fear.
"Your Mother is on her way home! Do you hear?
Oh, what will she do to us?
What will she say?
Oh, she will not like it.
She will flush me away!"
Page Sixteen
There can be only one.
"So, DO something! fast!" said the fish.
"Do you hear?
I saw her. Your Mother!
Your Mother is near!
So, as fast as you can,
think of something to do!
You will have to somehow
get rid of this poo."


And catwoman paused.
And she tilted her head.
And scratched her fat ass.
And eventually said,
“Now that I look on and now that I think.
I’m not sure that I like all this stink.
It’s dirty, it’s filthy.
I don’t like it at all
No, I do NOT like all of this cack on the walls.
And do not like carpets soaked through with goo.
Your Mother is coming. What will you do?
Your Mother is coming and she’s sure to expect a
house that is not caked in rectal-ejecta."
Page Sixteen
"Oh dear!" said the cat.
"I should have made the Things stop
before they’d covered your house
with steamies and plop."
Catwoman rarely left anywhere undecorated with hairballs.


"Please don’t tell her it’s my fault.
Please don’t be a snitch.
I’d help you clean up.
But I’m a horrible bitch.
So, I’ll say goodbye.
And I’ll say farewell.
To all this arse-grumph and the terrible smell.
Do you think that there’s time
to make any improvement?
To mop up the piss and shovel bowel movement?"
Page Seventeen
We're all pleased to see the back of Catwoman.
Then she shut up the Things
in a box with a hook.
And catwoman left
with a smug kind of look.


"That is good," said the fish.
"She has gone away. Yes.
But your Mother will come.
She will find this big mess!
And this mess is so big.
And so deep and so wide.
We can not clean everything.
Perhaps we should hide!"
Page Eighteen
Red fish dead fish.png
I looked at Sally.
What would we say
when Mother came home
and asked "What happened today?"


And we prayed and we prayed,
And we made a big wish.
When mother came home
we blamed the fish.

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