Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January 26

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Dude, I, like, pwn you!

January 26: National Hail Zeus Day (Ancient Greece)

  • Beginning of Time - Zeus is begat by Chronos and Chaos. You really don't want to know the details.
  • 3457 BCE - Zeus gets it on with his wife/sister, Hera. He has Orpheus invent the banjo to provide some mood music for their wedding night. Unfortunately, the song he creates for that special occasion is later used in the film Deliverance.
  • 78 - Chickens convert to Christianity in droves and rise in revolt but they are slaughtered by the millions.
  • 353 - Christianity takes a whack at Zeus. Cthulhu bides his time.
  • 700 - Zeus commands the French to worship him. When they refuse, he curses them with garlic and an irrational fear of washing.
  • 1879 - Zeus smites the prototype caboose to avert unflattering poetry. Unfortunately, it is reinvented three days later.
  • 1901 - The popular phrase "I don't give a fuck" is used for the first time by John Keats when he finds out that the toothpaste he was using is actually his shaving cream.
  • 1922 - Zeus is so nearly forgotten by this time that most people celebrate the day by going to their local zoos.
  • 1939 - The Zeus suit is created, with a reet pleat and drape shape.
  • 1947 - Zeus withdraws his sponsorship of Captain Marvel and Achilles follows suit. The superhero then signs up Poseidon and Orion. With Billy Batson prohibited from shouting "SHAZAM!" (Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, Mercury), he now yells "SHAMPOO!" to transform into Captain Marvel, leading to mockery by his evil opponents and his younger brother.
  • 1959 - Under the pen name Dr. Zeuss, Zeus begins to write children's literature. His first book is "Hop on MILF", in which a Greek god transforms into various animals in order to make out with human women.
  • 1974 - Zeus curses John Boorman for using his wedding-night song in Deliverance. When Boorman's next film, Zardoz, flops, Zeus simply laughs.
  • 2002 - Zeus decides he doesn't like George W. Bush and decides to strike him down, but can't find any lightning bolts. Instead he sends him a cursed pretzel.