Whig Party

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Two members of the Whig Party. Take special notice of their wigs.
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“I wore a Whig, once.”
~ Oscar Wilde

The Whig Party was a major American political party for much of the 19th century until it was discovered that they had no discernible political identity, and were in fact devoted solely to the manufacture, distribution, and wearing of wigs. The party was formed from a strand of the original Republican party, and later, after the party fell apart, most of the Whigs went on to create the modern Republican party. Why they didn't just call themselves the Republicans is anyone's guess.

History[edit]

The wild wild Whig Party

Originally formed in response to Andrew Jackson's declaration of godhood, the Whigs named themselves after the English Whigs, who were a historical anti-authoritarian movement in Britain. Many had been in the defunct Federalist Party, which had split on whether Hamilton was a musical or a radical manifesto.

The new Whigs knew that the best way to excite voters was to make an obscure historical reference, and that the best way to associate yourself with a pro-American freedom movement was to name yourself after British people. Most voters, however, assumed that the name referred to the Baltimore Whigs of Major League Rounders, which always occupied the cellar in the standings.

The Whigs developed a unique campaigning style they hoped would resonate with the people. A Whig might defend the signature ardor for tariffs by saying, "Yo, dese tariffs mo be off the hiz-ook" or the provocative campaign statement, "our central bank be rockin the dollahs till it stabilizes inflationary preshaz, mah brothah." Though the strategy did not yield electoral success, the use of such speech patterns is still known today as talking like a Whigger.

Decline[edit]

The party was a victim of changing hair and political fashions. The issue of slavery and where it could be practiced became a live issue. The Whigs tried to argue that encouraging the spread of slave ownership was not good — but also it was up to white folks in individual states to decide — so let's talk about hair powder instead. This strategy worked for a while, but books like Uncle Tom's Cabin brought it all back. Unable to get off the fence, the Whigs sank lower and lower on the pointy end until they were thoroughly impaled and died.

Famous Whigs[edit]

The most famous Whigs were William Henry Harrison and Zachary Taylor. Though they were the only two Whigs ever elected President, they are more famous for being the only two Presidents to die of natural causes — F.D.R. actually died unnaturally as the result of taking an experimental super-hero serum developed by the Manhattan Project. With two dead presidents to their name, the Whigs were at the forefront of the emerging goth movement, since their main contribution to the public arena was to make death cool, again.

The Whig's living Presidents fared considerably worse than their dead Presidents. Assuming the presidency after Harrison's death, John Tyler, tried to out-goth his predecessor by vetoing all of the Whigs' legislation in a nihilistic frenzy. However, in 1841 Tyler dropped X for the first time and soon turned into a candy raver, after which he was expelled from the party.

Though unknown at the time of his nomination, following President Taylor's death it was soon learned that his Vice President, Millard Fillmore, was actually a waterfowl native to the Potomac. Despite this, Fillmore is still credited with advancing the Whigs' political agenda the most of any politician.

Early in his career, Abraham Lincoln was also a Whig, but then he tried Rogaine with Monoxodil.

See also[edit]

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Political Parties
Boston Tea PartyCommunist PartyConservative PartyConservatory PartyDecepticon PartyDemocratic PartyFascist PartyFederalist PartyKnow Nothing PartyLabour PartyLemon PartyLiberal Party (UK)Liberal DemocratsLibertarian PartyRadical RepublicansRepublican PartySausage PartyTea PartyThe PartyWhig PartyWhig Party (UK)