This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“Just do it”
It's been one of those days where the entire universe seems to be conspiring against you. You would call it a bad hair day were it not for the fact that you are bald. You have tried wearing wigs but they make you look like a child molester. Your only recourse has been to shave off all remaining hair like a neo-Nazi. You awoke to find a strange green crust on your breakfast cereal. Your job as a copyeditor is unfulfilling and when you tried to photocopy that really important report the photocopier promptly ate it leaving you with some garbled nonsense and a picture of some guy's ass. A hobo on the train stole your shoelaces. Even coffee doesn't cheer you up. Your addiction means you no longer get that sublime caffeine kick - you now only drink it to prevent yourself becoming a gibbering mess. That fucking Fall Out Boy song is constantly on the radio. In short, life sucks. Sounds like it's time to collapse space-time and destroy the universe.
Indeed. If the traditional suicide/killing-spree options just don't appeal to you then collapsing space-time is the obvious choice. The universe is against you and it's time for you to get your revenge. The universe is responsible for your crusty breakfast, your caffeine addiction and your ugly children. There are millions of unhappy, angry, or insane people crying out for the universe to be destroyed.
What do I do?
Well, first of all, you need to stop all that twitching and muttering. You need to stop copying and pasting the words "HATE HATE HAT" into Uncyclopedia. That's not getting you anywhere. You're not going to collapse space-time with some petty ranting on the Internet. And for God's sake put some pants on!
What you need is a paradox. It all stems from the deceptively simple equation "x = y + 1". Not that you'd understand - you gibbering retard. You couldn't even work a photocopier. There are six methods that are within the reach of your diminished mental capacity. These are outlined below in an easy-to-follow step-by-step guide.
- Wait for time travel to be invented.
- Travel back in time.
- Kill one of your ancestors thereby creating a paradox.
- Wait until you meet someone who travelled back in time.
- Kill the present day version of that person.
- Believe it's not butter.
- Walk into an elevator.
- Cover everyone's nose with clothespins.
- Fart. Nobody will smell it, therefore nobody dealt it. You have created a (smelly) paradox.
- Cut the legs off a cat.
- Force the cat to land.
- Since it has no legs the cat's landing violates a universal law ("Cats always land on their feet"). You have created a paradox (of sorts).
- Strap a slice of toast onto the back of a cat and throw it off a high building.
- The toast must land butterside up and the cat must land on its feet.
- Divide by zero on a simple sheet of paper
or (if you don't have a cat, enough money to buy a cat, paper, pencil, and have never met a single person in your entire life)
- Butter your toast on both sides
- Throw the toast in the air
- Watch the toast, which must always land on the buttered side, act in confusion, not knowing which side to land on, and after several hours of indecisively flipping over and over, simply decide to destroy the universe so it wouldn't have to deal with such a difficult problem (note: might just result in floating toast and not the collapsing of space-time)
Once the paradox is created the universe will become logically impossible and will cease to exist.
Isn't this a bit drastic?
I thought you might ask that at some stage. Consider this: do you think you are the only one being antagonized by the universe? I sincerely doubt it. In fact, I'll wager there are millions of people out there who want to get even with the universe. So strike a blow for everyone who ever tripped over and crushed their cat leaving a bloody mess on the kitchen floor (which might or might not be able to land on its feet; no one's ever dropped one, quite honestly, for fear it would cause a paradox that would collapse space-time), or who accidentally inhaled a flute, or who poked their own eye out with a pencil. Or a pen. Or even a quill for that matter. Especially those who afterwards attempted to divide by zero, only to poke out their other eye. But that's not the point. The point is that the universe sucks and you should destroy it. It's not like anyone would find out you did it either. I mean, they'd be too busy having their skin ripped off, their bones crushed, and their internal organs sucked out through their mouths and ears to investigate into the culprit for such a painful death. Even if you ever went to court, the whole trial would be a mess, what with the courtroom imploding at the speed of light. You don't have to worry about divine retribution either because God, having been caught in a paradox regarding his own existence, immediately vanished in a puff of logic. So you're pretty much home free.
If you're still having second thoughts, let me ask you this: Why not?
All right, I'll do it
Excellent. It's all falling into place... You'll need a cat and a hacksaw. I think you know what to do.