Deepwater Horizon oil spill

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The continuous live video feed showed the world the horrors of watching oil gush from a pipe ad nauseam.

“If need be, I will personally swim out into the ocean and suck every drop of that oil up through my gaping arsehole so it can be sold.”

~ BP CEO Tony Hayward on the Deepwater Horizon oil spill

“We spent the day driving the I-10 from Tallahassee to New Orleans. A pungent odor is hanging over the Crescent City, and it has nothing to do with what is being smoked at Jazz Fest.”

~ UnNews reporters on the BP oil spill

The Deepwater Horizon oil spill is the largest in American history, eclipsing the previous winner, the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill off Alaska by miles; miles of oily water/watery oil. The drunken tanker captain who was blamed for that catastrophe was probably the only person outside of Osama bin Laden who was shit-eating-grin happy about the spill.

In short, the oil rig, owned by Chief Executive Tony Hayward’s British Petroleum, exploded. BP claims that the explosion was the result of a meteor striking their crude oil and nitro glycerin depot. Lots of oil and some cigarette butts spilled into the Gulf of Mexico, causing massive devastation in the form of menacing tar balls.



On April 20th 2010, the Deepwater Horizon exploded. The ensuing fire destroyed the rig's brothel before eventually sinking the rig. 11 of the 28 workers that were housed on the artificial island were killed. Nothing of value was lost. It was reported that Donald Trump was on the oil rig during the explosion, surveying the rig as a potential place for hotel real estate. Unfortunately, he survived.

What caused the explosion

Methane clathrate, also known as methane hydrate, is a solid in which methane is trapped within a crystal structure of water, forming a solid similar to ice. Outside of scientific circles, and the hydrocarbon industry, this substance is simply called crystal meth. This information is completely irrelevant.

BP was charged with finding out what caused the fire. An initial investigation as to what caused the explosion came up inconclusive. The second, third, and final investigation determined the cause of the fire to have been an unforeseen meteor striking the rig. Safety agencies have since conducted three investigations, all of which found that the cement and casing had been improperly installed and that there was no evidence of a meteor strike.

Oil leak

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Deepwater Horizon oil spill.

After the explosion, nobody was around to figure out that oil was leaking from an exposed well, so nothing was done for a full two days before somebody figured out that there was a problem. After some rocket scientist pointed out that a destroyed well cap no longer does its job, but rather allows oil to flow freely into the ocean, alarms were raised and people started caring. Some of the efforts to stem the onrushing oil slick, devised by BP and the government, were:

  • Using booms to block the oil and then lift it off of the water. An interesting fact concerning these booms is that they are made out of human hair. This irony is lost on the unshaven and unkempt hippy environmentalist crowd.
  • A group of Russian scientists from the University of Russian Insanity proposed nuking the oil leak.
  • Burning it.
  • Using skimmers to scoop the oil off of the water.
  • Using large absorbent sponge-like items and specialized vacuums to suck the oil out of the water.
  • Grabbing a shovel because none of the above mentioned things are gonna work.
  • Buying words on the internet to hide their failures.
  • Tangentially, scientists also looked into using robot fish to help lead marine life away from the pollution.

The immediate response, prepared by the local government, was to use various species of birds to soak up the oil spill. The birds and their feathers acted as a natural sponge and assisted with the cleanup effort.

Despite cleanup efforts, much oil reached the gulf coast. Ecological devastation was enormous. Dolphins not smart enough to swim away learned what it feels like to be black and, for a short while, crack cocaine use among wild dolphins rose dramatically[1] Shrimp cocktail prices tripled for weeks, and several teenage turtles were apparently turned into mutant ninjas.

Nobody is quite sure how much oil was released into the gulf. BP has confirmed that the spill leaked 9,000 barrels of oil per day into the once scenic Gulf of Mexico. The ensuing catastrophe created by the explosion caused untold billions in damage to industry, tourism, and cute dolphins. The international community responded immediately. British Prime Minister David Cameron called it, "a terrible mess", and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visited the gulf during the crisis to personally blame homosexuals for the oil spill.

Sealing of the cap

BP went 1 for 5, failing first with underwater robots, then siphoning off the main riser, then a giant 125-ton "Top Hat" container dome the size of a large house, followed by "Operation Top Kill" which was basically just stuffing as much random crap into the hole in an attempt to bung it up. BP then drilled two additional wells to try and reduce the pressure of the main well enough to cap it.

Attempt five, a.k.a. “Bottom Kill”, used large robots armed with giant scissors to cut the broken riser off, letting the gusher spill 20% more oil. As of July 15, after 85 days spewing oil, BP finally capped the leak. Since then, they’ve been waiting to see if the well gets blueballs. In early July 19, a seep was discovered approximately two miles from where the busted oil well was. As of August 6, BP seemed declared to have it plugged up. They then eventually capped it and the leak was declared "effectively dead" on September 19, 2010, approximately seven days after most people had forgotten about the oil spill.


Tony Hayward clearly wasn't the only Dick to blame.

The rig was leased by British Petroleum, a multinational oil company, who might just nuke the gulf from orbit (it's the only way to be sure). They are called the responsible party, and probably have been called to pay heavy fines and reparations (almost literally). Evil corporate conglomerate Halliburton is also responsible, since they were on the rig assisting with cement drill caps. Even after being out of office for two years, Dick Cheney is still ruining your life.

Meanwhile, whilst trying to sound remorseful and concerned, BP continues to try and pass the blame back to the rig's owners, Transocean Ltd. who — in turn — pass it to BP. Meanwhile, the American public has begun to blame Black Jesus for not doing anything, even though he keeps screaming that he's pressin' charges. Some people are currently mounting a campaign for the US government to take over BP and seize their assets to ensure they do not abdicate their clean-up and restoration responsibilities. These are the very same retarded idiots who screamed bloody murder when the government had to take over General Motors and AIG to save their arses from financial ruin, arguing that such action was effectively socialism.[2]

Tony Hayward, thinking about whether or not he locked his door.

That the executives and spokesmen of BP speak with funny accents has also garnered them some flak, as American audiences found their enunciation indecipherable and confusing. Lawsuits in Louisiana courts have been filed based on this disgruntlement alone.[3]

An ongoing internal investigation recently discovered that employees of the U.S. Minerals Management Service — the agency supposedly monitoring oil drilling – smoked meth during work hours and used their work computers to view porn and shock sites. They also took gifts from BP and other oil companies, attending skeet-shooting contests, hunting and fishing trips, golf tournaments, crawfish boils, and Christmas parties with oil execs. In other words, America’s oil drilling safety was in the hands of a bunch of white-trash tweakers.

Obama eventually announced a ban on all offshore drilling until the extent of the damages could be ascertained. Once the damage was seen to be massive, Obama ordered offshore drilling to resume.

Apologies from BP

In early June, BP's CEO Tony Hayward finally stepped up to the plate to apologize to the American public and boast about the resources they were expending in trying to fix the leak and all the fallout. After a massive footbullet where he told news reporters that he wanted his life back and after suggesting that cleanup crews complaining of health effects from the noxious fumes really had food poisoning. The mea culpa came in the form of a very sober — although not entirely convincing — TV ad.

See also


  1. Read it in The Economist a few months ago.
  2. Something Glenn Beck said the other day.
  3. ’’Mary Waters v. British Petroleum Inc. in the 7nd District Court of Louisiana’’ (dated January 2011th) – Page 74: Excerpt: Claim of, ‘’Funny and undecipherable accents employed by officials’’

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