Eagle Talon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eagle Talon.

“AHH, A Talon just ate my Celica!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Eagle Talon

“Whenever somebody calls me a faggot, I just have my Talon hunt them down and eat whatever un-awesome car they drive. That oughtta show them!”

~ Miles "Tails" Prower on Eagle Talon

“Crikey! This is the Eagle Talon, a carnivore breed. It is a... AHHH ME ARM!”

~ Steve Irwin on Eagle Talon
An Eagle Talon in its nest deep in the darkest forest

The Eagle Talon is a car that is incredibly awesome and well known for being a car-nivore, meaning it will eat your stupid Suburban, so watch it!


The first Eagle Talon was born in 1989, as the child of a Mitsubishi Starion and a Subaru XT4, who just happened to get it on in a local suburban garage. The Talon them drove off to the deepest, darkest forest and started breeding, creating a whole new species. By 1992, the Eagle Talon population stretched all across The United States. They were first discovered by humans in 1990. As of 2007, there about eleventy gazillion Talons known to exist.


An Eagle Talon stalking its prey, which is probably some gay-ass Supra.

Eagle Talons usually live in forests and desert areas, in nests up in high places which they fly to. Their nests are usually open, but some like to live in enclosed nests, and others prefer to live in the Australian outback. Since Steve Irwin died, they all left because their only reason for living there was to torture him and occasionally bite him and eat his Nissan pickup for kicks. Talons can also be seen on freeways, looking for cars that aren't as awesome as it to eat for dinner.


An Eagle Talon carrying off its prey, a Toyota Supra, to its nest for a dinner meal for it and his brother, Mitsubishi Eclipse. Eagle Vision will have to eat leftovers from that Prelude from Monday.

Generally, Eagle Talons like to eat dumb Japanese sports cars that think they are more awesome than it, such as the Toyota Supra, Toyota Celica, Honda Prelude, and well, they'll eat any car that is not awesome. They rarely eat other American cars because they are too hard to digest and don't taste as good as other cars. They used to eat Italian cars, but stopped, because they would usually give them bad cases of diarrhea, and would make it hard for them to sleep at night.


The Eagle Talon has a close family. It has a younger brother, the Mitsubishi Eclipse, which is very similar, but isn't half as awesome as the Talon. It also had a little sister, the Plymouth Laser. Nobody knows what happened to her, nor do they care. It also is related to the Eagle Vision, which is just the Talon's bastard uncle, that mooches off it, and just sits on its fat ass all day and continually asks the Mitsubishi Eclipse to get him another beer.

Cool Stuff Talons Did[edit]

  • Killed Hitler by Eating his Mercedes while he was still in it.
  • Made gas prices go down by eating a bunch of SUVs.
  • Gave Arnold Schwarzenegger what was coming to him by eating his Hummer collection
  • Ate Jimbo Wales' Ferrari, but then spit up, because it remembered that Italian cars give it bad gas.