Gallium

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A sample of the forbidden element growing on a tree

“We wants it, yesss, my preciousss!”

Gallium (Ga, from the FrenchPays-du-Galles) is an element first discovered in and highly concentrated in western Great Britain, especially Wales. The element is a dense, dull grey metal, difficult to image due to low cloud cover and persistent rain. It is the only Element Number 31 anywhere, ever.

Until recent decades Gallium was easily found in coal mines and heavy engineering works but is now more frequently located in bookies shops and welfare queues. A sample of Gallium containing just ten atoms constitutes a “choir” and will emit a high-pitched screeching noise lethal to humans at fifty yards. Fifteen atoms makes an unstable macromolecule known as a “team”, but these repeatedly split up into eight-membered cyclic molecules called “scrummages” and linear molecules of varying length called “line-outs”. The maximum legal length of storage of a team of Gallium is two hours after which it must be safely disposed of by being dissolved in alcohol.

Gallium is only weakly diagmagnetic but is gravitationally attracted to both sheep and members of its own immediate family.

History[edit]

Gallium was first discovered by the Romans, who used it in the nails of Jesus's cross for crucifixion. It took Jesus three days to cleanse the metal before he could rise again and perform his well-known magic trick. Rome also used it in the lining of its aqueducts, which steadily drove the populace insane and caused the fall of Rome. After the fall, knowledge of the metal was lost, and people kept drinking from the aqueducts. After about 1000 years, the gallium ran out, hence the Renaissance.

Gallium was then proposed to exist by Dmitri Mendeleyev — a chemist with a long name — after he found that, in Soviet Union, holes have his Periodic Table. He was right, and years later, Paul-Émile Lecoq de Boisbaudran — a chemist with a long name — discovered it, when his fork tried to eat him.

Refinement[edit]

All sources of gallium are unconcentrated, but the metal can be refined from bauxite, diaspore, germanite, and a lot of other stuff nobody cares about. The Bayer process is normally used and severely agitates the refined gallium, which normally kills the refiner and all the other useful stuff they got from the ore. Gallium sometimes mixes in with aluminum refined from bauxite, so it's probably a good idea to not touch soda cans, aluminum foil, bike frames, and probably everything else that has metal in it.

Controversy[edit]

Gallium arsenide is a component in solar panels, but manufacturers of solar panels still slip under the radar for weapons of mass destruction. Though Al Gore advocates alternative energy, the only "Inconvenient Truth" is that now millions of households have installed deadly solar panels.

Disposal[edit]

Grazing Gallium-rich meadows is said to make sheep more promiscuous.

Disposal of gallium is usually achieved by throwing it in landfills. However, problems arise when gallium-infested plants grow on the landfill, then cows eat them and get Mad Cow Disease and stampede over the local Walmart, which is the reason for the American economy slowing down. In light of this, new disposal methods for gallium have been suggested, like throwing it into a black hole, nuking it, locking it in a safe in the deepest ocean trench, and putting it in Zip-Loc bags.

Reaction with other elements[edit]

Gallium bonds readily with filler materials, making it difficult to get rid of. It is because of this that gallium slips into many shows, like Lost, Moment of Truth, sometimes American Idol, and Dora the Explorer. Therefore, it is advised not to watch any of these shows due to possible gallium contamination, and maybe just stay away from TV altogether. You're already avoiding metal; it shouldn't be too hard to cut out TV.

Gallium also vigorously reacts with DNA. There is ample evidence,[citation needed] as shown when people jump in radioactive waste barrels and come out with superpowers/deadly mutations--the barrel must be made of gallium.

Gallium in magic[edit]

Gallium appears ready to cast another spell.

Gallium is used as an ingredient in many spells, and is found in Voldemort's wand. Gallium elementals are popular among evil wizards, except for the fact that the summoner has to be completely insane to summon something that would kill the summoner. Said elementals can go on very long rampages until they get bored and morph into a doorknob or something. Don't go near any doors in abandoned areas. in fact, just stay away from all man-made devices. You're already avoiding TV; it shouldn't be too hard to cut out man-made devices.

Periodic table of the elements
H He
Li Be B C N O F Ne
Na Mg Al Si P S Cl Ar
K Ca Sc Ti V Cr Mn Fe Co Ni Cu Zn Ga Ge As Se Br Kr
Rb Sr Y Zr Nb Mo Tc Ru Rh Pd Ag Cd In Sn Sb Te I Xe
Cs Ba Lu Hf Ta W Re Os Ir Pt Au Hg Tl Pb Bi Po At Rn
Fr Ra Lr Rf Db Sg Bh Hs Mt Ds Rg Cn Nh Fl Mc Lm Ts Og
La Ce Pr Nd Pm Sm Eu Gd Tb Dy Ho Er Tm Yb
Ac Th Pa U Np Pu Am Cm Bk Cf Es Fm Md No