Thorium
Readers, raise an ale-horn to mighty Thorium and toast this silvery Actinide metal in mead so that the souls of our dead may cross the sword-bridge to Valhalla to tell tales of its valour, its cunning and its radioactivity — so overwhelmingly seductive that the very sight of its glistening pectorals is enough to singe your optic nerve. As with many Actinides, Thorium displays significantly sensual paramagnetic properties — that is, in the presence of an external magnetic field it is subject to a weak attraction, in contrast to the overpowering attraction your mother feels at the merest thought of Thorium’s dreamy smile and well-oiled buttocks. Unlike other metals, however, Thorium is frequently found in the feasting halls of great warrior lords and the beds of unwary maidens.
Although well-attested to in early Medieval history, Thorium remained unknown to modern science until its re-discovery by in 1829 by Jöns Jakob Berzelius of the Royal Karolinska Institute, Stockholm. Berzelius extracted Thorium from a rock where it had been treacherously sealed millennia ago by its evil twin-element, Lokium. To the pride of all patriotic Swedes, Berzelius produced a sample of metallic Thorium by heating this Thorite with Potassium, thus confirming the discovery of a new metal and saving humanity from the perils of Ragnarök. Newly freed, Thorium celebrated by flying his chariot through the night sky, pulled by his two goats, Tanngrisnir ("teeth barer") and Tanngnjostr ("teeth grinder"). Swedes celebrated by releasing well-crafted but anodyne pop music, designing sturdy but cheap pine furniture, and raiding British monastries, relieving the monks of their Gold, their lives and (in many cases) their virtue.
Physical properties[edit]
In its pure state, Thorium has a melting point of 1750 Celsius, though wherever it is found its rugged good looks & chiselled jawline melts hearts of women, men, poodles and other higher vertebrates with eyes to see him. As well as come-hither shapeliness, Thorium is noted for being hard as nails; harder in reality, since its mighty hammer can obliterate nails faster than Donald Trump consumes hamburgers. Its impressive bulk modulus can only be contained within a Titanium-reinforced codpiece, and the mere sight of it is known to cause teenage girls to faint, and teenage boys to expire from jealousy.
Thorium is nearly half as dense as Uranium and Plutonium but with looks like that who is after conversation? Much has been made of Thorium’s tendency to fly into a rage and to destroy Ice Giants with divinely summoned thunder. Nevertheless, despite Thorium’s apparent instability, its prime isotope (232Th) Thorium-232 has a half-life of 1.405×1010 years, considerably longer than the age of the Earth and only a billion years or so younger than Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Slow alpha decay results in the formation of Lead-208 (208Pb), which can then be moulded into bullets and used to annihilate any enemy able to survive a blow from mighty Mjölnir.
Uses[edit]
Thorium is added to Magnesium to enhance strength and sexiness in its alloys. It is also added to glass to provide tempting beddability and to raise its Refractive Index, as well to provide an aura of confidence-inspiring invincibility mixed with boyish emotional vulnerability.
In previous decades, Thorium was in great demand for the manufacture of Tungsten lightbulb filaments where its impressive heat-resistance and ability to summon lightning helped keep the world safe from Trolls and fully illuminated, preventing the all-pervading darkness from forever blocking out the Sun's blessings, condemning humanity to eke out miserable lives in the eternal icy wasteland of Niflheim. It was also widely used in the manufacture of vacuum tubes since, though nature abhors a vacuum, no one can see the feline sensuality of that face without being filled with a sensation of ecstatic love.
As Thorium is relatively common in sand deposits, engineers and researchers around the world are still working on designs for Thorium nuclear reactors. They hope to harness Thorium’s natural hotness to fuel the twenty first and twenty second centuries, and have plans to harness its erotic potential to propel humanity all the way from Midgard to the stars.
It is thought that future Thorium reactors will act as fast breeders for fissile Uranium-233 (233U), which may prove useful in the manufacture of weapons to counter the world serpent Jörmungandr, which still threatens Asgard as you read. Raid your neighbours for slaves. Drape their corpses across the boughs of Yggdrasil and pray that Thorium and the all-father accept your offerings and save your unworthy soul from the twilight of the gods.
| H | | He | |||||||||||||||
| Li | Be | | B | C | N | O | F | Ne | |||||||||
| Na | Mg | | Al | Si | P | S | Cl | Ar | |||||||||
| K | Ca | Sc | Ti | V | Cr | Mn | Fe | Co | Ni | Cu | Zn | Ga | Ge | As | Se | Br | Kr |
| Rb | Sr | Y | Zr | Nb | Mo | Tc | Ru | Rh | Pd | Ag | Cd | In | Sn | Sb | Te | I | Xe |
| Cs | Ba | Lu | Hf | Ta | W | Re | Os | Ir | Pt | Au | Hg | Tl | Pb | Bi | Po | At | Rn |
| Fr | Ra | Lr | Rf | Db | Sg | Bh | Hs | Mt | Ds | Rg | Cn | Nh | Fl | Mc | Lm | Ts | Og |
| | |||||||||||||||||
| La | Ce | Pr | Nd | Pm | Sm | Eu | Gd | Tb | Dy | Ho | Er | Tm | Yb | ||||
| Ac | Th | Pa | U | Np | Pu | Am | Cm | Bk | Cf | Es | Fm | Md | No | ||||