Guillermo del Toro
Guillermo del Toro (Spanish pronunciation: Caca de Mierda; born October 9, 1964), commonly known as Speedy Gonsalez, is an Academy Award-winning
Mexican Spaniard who wants to steal everyone else's jobs as movie directors. I don't care 'cos that is happening in America and I'm European. Except when he goes to Spain, 'cos thats to damn close to where I live (and no, I'm not spanish).
Guillermo was born Guadalabajarada, Jalisco more or less 1964 million years ago, to a catholic family that pretended to worship the snake Quetzalcoatl (da aztec god u fuker), but actually was preparing to install the Inquisition in those heathen lands and to exterminate those things that should stop worshipping the false gods and worship the tyrannical christian god! (which is also sadistic, only that he prefers to see you burn to death than to have a quick death by heart removal) Naturally, I couldn't care less, as it happened in Mexico and I'm european.
Anyway, young eight year old Guillermo studied SFX with famous pedophile Dick Smith. While Dick molested him, the little boy soon learned the arts of film making, and thanks to his pederastic relationship he soon went to work on La Hora Marcada (english: "Cheap Twilight Rip-Off") with other spanish directors, who also took advantage of the little boy's ass and mouth. Guillermo's first movie was called Boner (I wonder why...), and afterwards his dad was kidnapped by vile americans. I'm an european so I couldn't care less.
As any mexican would do, Guillermo moved to USA, as mexicans appearently like to be killed by frontier guards (or maybe not; I'm european so I couldn't care less); in order to disguise himself as an american he painted his skin white and add tons of fat to his body. However, the fucker forgot his accent, so most americans consider him an aberration, and he is currently hiding from CIA who wants to send him to a laboratory in Canada in order for him to be dissected. Meanwhile, the spaniard raped a woman called Lorenza and had two daughters, who he raped as well and had children with; he also raped his grandchildren, but most were male so he didn't had a lot of grandgrandchildren, who he raped as well. I'm european so I couldn't care less.
Professional Carrier (aka highly traumatizing movies he made)
Guillermo is famous for rejecting sane movie projects (such as The Chronicles of Narnia and Harry Potter; though both were written by hippies on drugs) in favour of highly aberrant things that no one had ever seen before and likely never will see again. It is rumoured Guillermo does those movies while smoking crack and weed, thus resulting in disturbing consequences. I'm european so I couldn't care less.
“I have a sort of a fetish for insects, clockwork, monsters, dark places, and unborn things”
Okay, I think I'm gonna vomit. Among Guillermo's most famous (and disturbing) "master pieces" there are:
The Devil's Backbone
Set in Spain during WW2 (then ruled by Franco, Mussolini's bipolar friend), this movie narrates the story of the boy Carlos and his insane friends (one of them is an owl) in the quest for a ghost, while older boys molest the orphans, resulting in an epic battle a la Lord of the Rings between the children and the teenagers. And then everyone is sent to bed. Strongly based on Guillermo's personal experiences and on the fact ghosts must always be unhappy figures left to torment everyone in american movies (I'm european so I couldn't care less).
A movie about a nigger who rapes vampires. Obviously the sequel to Blade, but it hardly resembles the source material, as the titular character is meant to kill vampires. Also Guillermo is a racist, so the whole movie is focused on how Blade will eventually die. In spite of all the torture the poor guy has to go through, the movie is so shitty the audience now actually wants the titular character to die.
Based on the comics by Mike Mignola (a gothic satanist who shares Guillermo's mental sanity, which is very low), it narrates the incredible adventures of Satan and his friends, the fire bitch, the gay agent and the walking codfish. The story begins when the evil monk Rasputin and his catholic nazi sex slaves wish to summon God to destroy the world, but fortunately the british atheists save the day and find the anti-christ, raising him in their university. Then Rasputin returns and summons the angel Sammael (the lovechild of Cthulhu and Balto), and its up to our heroes to prevent the evil Lord from destroying his own creation for no appearent reason whatsoever.
Back to prehistoric Spain, this is The Devil's Backbone spiritual sequel, whatever that means. It narrates the story of an insane girl called Ofelia, who goes to live with her parents in the countryside, which are the General Vidal and the Pregnant Woman. Then one day Ofelia meets a "fairy" (actually a praying mantis) and follows it to the end of a labyrinth, where she meets what she allucinates to be Pan, the greek god of wilderness (actually a pedophile). While he molests her she has allucinations of him telling her that she is the princess of the underworld and that her true parents are Hades and his dog Cerberus. Next day she goes to a fig treee's roots, where she meets a "giant frog" (actually a pig) and kills it by offering it a "stone" to eat (actually a grenade); the resulting explosion reveals the "key" she was looking for (actually the pig's penis bone). In any case, the pedophile later enters her home at nightime and, while he molests her, she allucinates that he gave her a piece of chalk and that she opened a door to a secret room, where she eats some grapes and wakes up a giant walking penis with eyes on the hands. Later she escapes and her mom dies, while giving birth to her little brother. She then steals him and prepares to sacrifice him to Pan (the pedophile wished to know how it feels to rape a boy), but fortunately Vidal appears and kills both. Ofelia has a final allucination of going to Hell and meeting her "true parents". It is actually her neurological system shuting down as her body begins to loose activity.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Satan and his friends return for another exciting adventure, in which the evil wiccan drag princess Nuada wants to spread her religion across the world as an attempt to replace satanism! Oh no!!! To do so she brings an army of golden decepticons as well as her friends, the troll Tinky Winky, the giant lettuce and a tribe of evil cannibal dentists. Meanwhile her sister and lover Nuala escapes and goes to Satan for help, resulting in his friend, the codfish, to lust for Nuala, as he wishes that she lays eggs so that he can fertilize them. Will our heroes defeat Nuada and her evil robots and giant vegetable and troll? Will the codfish fuck Nuala? Will Guillermo del Toro make another Hellboy movie!? (lets hope not)
It is also the first appearence of Johan Krauss, a walking suit with smoke inside and a german nazi.
Guillermo del Toro thought the Elven robots were really cool, so he scaled it up a bit and had them fight inter dimensional Godzilla's that bled the gack from Nickelodeon. This resulted in boat loads of money, but not enough to fund his expedition to film Cthulu.