UnNews:Black Death testing kits on their way

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Black Death testing kits on their way

Where man always bites dog

UnNews Logo Potato.png
Tuesday, May 26, 2020, 05:57:59 (UTC)

The Uncyclopedia page on FacebookNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

UnNews RSS FeedIndexesRandom story

3 March 2020

'Bring out your dead. Next cart will come round in 30 minutes.'

ROME, Italy -- Pope Calimatius says quacks will soon have ways to detect the Black Death outbreak currently ravaging Christendom. Shortly before packing his robes in a trunk marked 'to Avignon,' Calimatius blamed the spread of the disease on sin, schismatics, heretics, and Jews. Covering his face and sneezing, His Holiness explained his reasoning:

This sickness has come directly from Heaven, perhaps also China after Marco Polo's recent business visit. But then again, the Black Death is inside all people who deny Christ and spit on the cross. So, as we all still need a pope, I am moving to France until we all repent and whip ourselves silly.

Some Europeans have decided to take the riskier approach and apply scientific research to the spread of the Black Death. The Republic of Venice has been selling their 'Black Death Detector Kits' since the illness first arrived in Europe from the Middle East. The kits include hoods, the bottled smells of the Venetian lagoons, and holy water dredged near a stinking steam.

The pope's message has been echoed by Europe's secular rulers. King Boris of England said his country would be safer with their new blue passports. King Emmanuel said France was ready to treat all foreigners with relentless savagery. Meanwhile, Empress Angela of Germany said we should embrace the illness and give it a home in Frankfurt. Other countries' rulers have expressed similar wishful thinking about methods to treat the Black Death. Big chief Don of Magaland said he and 'safe' as the Black Death couldn't cross an ocean unless it was hidden in Christopher Columbus's ship.