UnNews:ISIS destroys World Heritage site, critics split

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24 August 2015

"The Baalpark" is now gone, though there is an Exxon/Mobil station on the edge of town, which has nearly ten years of historic heritage.

PALMYRA, Syria -- ISIS militants have dynamited the archaeological ruins of Baalshemin here.

The temple was considered the best preserved in Palmyra. The ancient Pagan god Baal was honored for nearly two millennia here at "the Baalpark."

ISIS — or, as it is known in Washington, D.C., "the Junior Varsity" — defeated Al-Qaryatayn (My Camel) over the summer en route to a sweep of the league's Middle East Division. Then it kidnapped 230 people and bulldozed 1,500-year-old Mar Elian, an Assyrian monastery that took its name from a doctor "martyred" during a wave of killing people for their opinions that even pre-dates Islam. An annual "feast of St. Elian" used to attract thousands of fans of "Baalpark franks," but got too risky when ISIS was pencilled in as the visiting team.

This was the hot-foods concession and beer garden, adjacent to Left Field, before last month's notorious "grand slam."

Jesuit priest Paolo Dall'Oglio renovated the site about ten years ago, but fatefully uncovered stunning murals of Jesus and Mary dating back to the 6th Century. Him being a prophet, the whole thing had to go, graven images and all. As Baal is a god whose name is not Allah (pbuh), his temple was the obvious next target for destruction.

The Britain-based Syrian Observatory for Human Rights condemned the move. Spokesman Rami Abdulrahman flushed a toilet and came downstairs at SOHR headquarters in Coventry wringing his hands. "Gang-rapes and burning people alive, perhaps. But they should leave historical relics. These were on the UNICEF World Heritage List, after all. And house pets too, of course."

Baal, shown here with Moon Ra (left) and Sun Ra (right). (Not pictured: Bubble Gum Ra.) The trio may take their revenge on the ISIS marauders, probably by firing drones. If Mr. Obama had a son, he would look more like Sun Ra, except that his skin would be nearly Negro and not stone-colored.

Experts in the United States begged to differ. Al Sharpton, speaking on behalf of the group #BlackLivesMatter, said that the "protest" was "only about property" and that police should act with caution, using nothing more than Nerf guns and Super Soakers, and those only if retreat routes are blocked. Group founder Patrisse Cullors blurted out, "Burn everything down!" but was shushed and reminded that granite is hard to ignite.

U.S. President Obama noted that the attackers probably look the way his sons would look, if he had any. He has only two daughters, though they are being fitted for prostheses next week as the Administration starts a new outreach to the LGBT Community. Mr. Obama added that any retaliation against ISIS would risk further climate change — something Secretary of State John Kerry has called the U.S.'s "greatest defense risk," presumably greater than savages galloping across Arabia, an imminent new North Korean nuclear missile test, Khamenei with a shiny new nuke, China's paving of the South Pacific, and commissioning new female cadets to combat who cannot lift their own backpacks.

24 August 2015

El-Khazzani, a movie buff, strapped the rifle to his buff chest and swore to follow his victims "into the Maelstrom of Perdition," obviously assuming the train was bound for Cannes rather than Paris.

In other news of madcap Muslim pranks, Ayoub El-Khazzani, a "Paris man" even though his passport states "Morocco," brought an AK-47 assault rifle he had "found" onto the high-speed train to Paris, shooting willy-nilly until tackled by three Americans and one Briton. Labor experts said the confrontation cannot be dismissed as mere "workplace violence," as technically, taking target practice on a passenger train is not a legitimate job, though playing a guitar may be, despite the significantly smaller caliber.

Sophie David, Mr. El-Khazzani's lawyer, said her client does not understand what the big deal is, as he only intended to rob the corpses. She will pursue the insanity defense, as strapping the rifle to his bare chest shows that her client could not grasp how quickly a rifle heats up when fired.

On Monday, the four tourists who subdued Mr. El-Khazzani were invited to the Presidential Palace and given the nation's highest honor, sloppy kisses on both cheeks. President François Hollande said that the four men "showed that faced with terror, we have the power to resist" — though everything is negotiable and there is still time to make a deal. Mr. Hollande said France would show the four the same deference it shows to comparable self-starters, such as a 75% income tax, until they return home to face accusations they are Islamophobes.

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