UnNews:Massive stadium brawl breaks out over contemporary solipsist philosophy

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12 March 2008

BOGOTA, Colombia -- It has recently been revealed that the gigantic brawl that recently broke out at a soccer game in Columbia was caused by a bitter argument amongst audience members over existentialism and solipsism and its relevance to modern society. The fight left 80 people wounded; 18 of them had brutal stab wounds.

Juan Johnon, one of the men who started the brawl, says, "There I was, enjoying a good game soccer...or European football...whatever. I was enjoying watching a bunch of men in shorts kicking a ball around. As I watched, I discussed existentialist principles with my best friend Jerry, as I always do during soccer games. That's when the trouble started."

Does self-inspecting mean that something else must exist in order for the self to inspect the self? More importantly, what the fuck is that last sentence supposed to mean?

Apparently, a man sitting in the row in front of Juan turned around and loudly claimed that existential solipsism is a nonsensical philosophy, and that, if the mind is the only thing that exists, there is no way for an observer to observe their own mind as if separate from it. Juan was furious to hear this. "Oh man, was I pissed off. I immediately started screaming in his face about Gorgias's basic principles of solipsism, and when he wasn't convinced, I pulled out my Cartesian Dualism textbook to attempt to disprove his theory. But he still wasn't convinced, and he shoved me."

It was at this point when Juan recognized the man who had just shoved him as the same man he had recently gotten into a bar fight with over the aesthetics of Renaissance artwork. Juan immediately punched the man in the face, and soon an entire section of the stadium had joined in. One expert says: "Existentialists are very passionate, and can turn to violence very quickly. The rivalry here was more intense than anything I've seen in quite some time, aside from that massive fight at a baseball game over Haitian economics. God, that was intense."

Soon, the entire solipsism fan club, who also happen to love soccer, had joined in the bloody, brutal brawl. As the brawl moved on, enraged existentialists attempted to shred down a fence as people began throwing firecrackers, chairs, and bricks at each other. Finally, a group of policemen, who represented Radical Empiricism, subdued the crowd with teargas. Eventually, the soccer game was brought to a close, since about half the stadium had been shipped off to the hospital with minor injuries.

"Those bastards from Deportivo...they'll pay next game!" said Juan as he lay in a hospital bed flinching, and nursing the spot where his arm used to be, "I'm going to that next game, and I'm bringing Philosophy and the Mirror of Nature!"


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