UnNews:New country secedes from The Sedan

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Sunday, July 25, 2021, 19:24:59 (UTC)

New country secedes from The Sedan UnNews Logo Potato.png

3 February 2011

The new country's first President, Salva Kiir Mayardit, speaking into the UnNews microphones (note labels). We got him to do a promo--"This is an UnNews roundup--Giddyap, news!"

JUBA, Sedan -- The newest nation on Earth will celebrate its independence this summer.

Southern provinces of The Sedan held a referendum in January, in which an astonishing 98% voted to break away from the Muslim North. The vote reflected chronic problems between the South--Catholic, Anglican, and Voodoo--and the North, though it is hard to imagine partition of a nation over mere church membership. Maybe not if you're in France.

The independence will take place this summer, and the new president is Salva Kiir Mayardit, a man who not only wears cowboy hats, as shown, but rides horses through downtown Juba and sports a six-shooter on each hip. "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy," he is already known to sing, "born on the 9th of July." He plans to have English be the official language. He is more vague about his intention of having his country use the U.S. dollar, resort to frequent impeachments, none of which succeed, and have two baseball leagues.

The name of the country has yet to be determined. Mr. Mayardit may follow the common practice of American minor-league baseball clubs and delegate the decision to elementary school children. Names in the running for the former South of Sedan reportedly include Coupé, Hatchback, and Mighty Ducks.

The population of the breakaway nation is estimated at 7.5 million by the United Nations, and 13 million by Mr. Mayardit, who complains that the North did not cooperate with his recent census, but concedes his own count reflects many of the tourists who might arrive, once the new nation begins staging "ass-kicking rodeos--whee-dogies!"

Mr. Mayardit's independence campaign, and his embrace of relics of the American Wild West, attract nagging rumors that the sole purpose of independence might be to get annexed into the United States. For instance, although the new nation has no common language, virtually no one speaks English. U.S. President Barack Obama has failed to dispel these rumors, as when he recently boasted that the possible inclusion of the new African nation as what he termed the "58th [sic] state" would let his new health care law "extend universal coverage to 15 million [sic] more people than we originally estimated." Alternatively--as the per-capita income of the new nation of $1,200 permits the average citizen neither to buy health insurance nor pay the new fine for not doing so, the Administration might issue yet another of the notorious waivers of the rules.