UnNews:Obama to everyone: Drop dead!
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| Obama to everyone: Drop dead! | 
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21 November 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama today became the first President in history to react to a landslide loss in federal elections by using a power that last year he insisted he did not have. He announced on Univisión that he will change government policy for illegals who have remained in the U.S. without credentials for the five years that he has remained in the White House without credentials.
Shocked Republicans huddled in a Senate cloakroom to devise a more clever gimmick, though cautioning that no one is talking about impeachment, withholding funding and getting accused of shutting down the government, or frowning excessively. Several cautioned that saying "No" to Obama might make the left wing call them the "party of No" again and cost them another election, like the one they just swept.
Obama said the basis for his action is "prosecutorial discretion," though he is not merely declining to prosecute illegals, but printing up handy new, legal work permits. He promised Congress he would take it all back if they would just pass a law that did exactly what he had just done. "To those members of Congress who question my wisdom, I have one answer: Pass a bill," Obama said. After all, if there were a law, then the President would not have been forced to act lawlessly, and indeed the foreigners would not have had to cross the border illegally.
Putative 2016 Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush gushed, "Like those 'little brown ones' who love America enough to break its laws, this wonderful little brown President loves America enough to violate its Constitution!" Speaker Boehner has filed a lawsuit to get a court order forcing Obama to play nice, but it is still slowly working its way through the courts.
Constitutional scholars such as Dr. Henry Kissinger said this seems to be the first time in history that the loss of both houses of Congress and a boatload of state capitals and governorships has resulted in the leader of the losers acquiring more power — unless it was the defeat in Congress that empowered Obama to just act anyway.
The White House says that the action will legalize 5 million "immigrants." By comparison, the White House previously said that, without his Economic Stimulus bill, unemployment would go up to a level that it only got down to five years later with it, and that health care would cost $2,500 less — though it later said that was in comparison to what it would have cost if George W. Bush were in his fourteenth year.
Obama's initiative will also:
- Hire more judges to implement the "catch-and-release" program on the southern border that is so popular when reeling in small fish. Congress has not created these jobs, either, but Obama, who has already disarmed half of the Border Patrol, will simply give these rangers gavels and law books instead of returning their rifles.
- Address the problem of "undocumented bread purchasers," who lack receipts because, like undocumented "immigrants," they did not do what normal purchasers do before leaving the store with the loaf. Obama is printing up legal documents for them too, to free them from the crippling stigma of illegality and bring them out of the shadows.
- Open up agencies in countries like El Humidor to explain how to game the system to prepare for the next immigration crisis, such as by putting their six-year-olds on trains across Mexico.
- Give a $2,000,000 contract to Jonathan Gruber to go back "on tour," this time into the African American community, and explain that the reason they will keep voting 95% Democratic despite the flood of new residents who will take their jobs for less pay is that they are stupid.
Sources[edit]
- Dave Boyer "Obama acts unilaterally, offers amnesty to 5 million illegal immigrants". Washington Times, November 20, 2014