UnNews:Stand Up to Stand Up to Cancer

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Uncyclopedia is proud to present a column from Glenn Fitzgerald, author of the best-seller Quebec: The Fourth Reich in the North. Glenn was the senior editor of The Daily Weekly Times, until the authorities found the drugs. He currently works full-time cleaning up the news monkeys' feces. However, we find his rambling around the office amusing, so we give him occasional columns.

7 September 2010
I am continually astounded at the despicable depths left-wing activists will go to promote their causes. I know I shouldn't be at this point, yet I am. You see, in the radical's mind, any means can by justified to meet a goal, as long as said goal is worth it. "By any means necessary," Malcolm X famously declared. This is the ethics of consequentialism; why the Left is completely devoid of integrity and morals. Thus, we turn to the most souless beings on earth: Cancer activists.

Groans resonate from my readers. I assure you this isn't another rant directed towards the anti-smoking fascists. No, we're facing an even more repulsive entity. Stand Up to Cancer, founded in 2008, will be holding a broadcasted telethon this Friday, September 10th in an effort to raise money for a cure for cancer. You read that correctly. September 10th. The very night before the September 11th anniversary!

On top of terrorism and anti-Americanism, SU2C promotes homosexuality, as you will notice the not-so-subtle arrow penises.

Pardon me for a moment. I just vomited in my own mouth.

. . .

Okay, I'm back.

Of all the days to hold this, it had the be the night before the morning exactly nine years after the planes hit the towers. You see why I'm paradoxally astounded yet not surprised?

True to the leftist mentality, SU2C doesn't take terrorism seriously. They're more concerned with making themselves feel good with their little "causes" than actually stopping evil in the world. C'mon, guys! Forget about good people dying for a second. The real focus should be on making sure bad people die. Every possible step must be taken to stop Al Qaeda. Otherwise, their extremism will continue to spread and eat away like a cancer.

Now, I have my issues with Jerry Lewis' MDA telethon, but at least muscular dystrophy sufferers know their proper place. Labor Day is, by it's very nature, a Communist holiday, among the likes of Earth Day, Martin Luther King Day, Daylight Savings Time, etc. What pagans do for their made-up occasions is their business, I always say. September 11th, however, is a sacred American observance. Any activity within a three day radius of the 11th of September that doesn't involve waving a star-spangled banner is unacceptable treason. What happened on that day changed the entire world forever. It should never, ever be exploited, except as a means to the ends of the War on Terror.

I hope you're enjoying peeing on the ashes of 2,977 dead Americans, Kyle.

Surely you're thinking, "Why are you attacking a simple charity initiative?" Ah, herein lies the great deception. Stand Up to Cancer is in itself not an organization, but a program launched by EIF, the Entertainment Industry Foundation. Do the simple mathematics:

Entertainment Industry = Hollywood = Hollywood values.

Giving them a single dime would be the equivalent of donating to Al Qaeda. Should we trust a "charity" run by the same elites with the gawk to spend over a million dollars portraying the White House being annihilated in a film titled Independence Day? No, not in MY America!

Even so, I still wouldn't say "boo" if the telethon were only held on ultra-left networks like MSNBC or PBS, but this giant middle finger to America will take up all the major networks. You know, just like a certain event you might remember was on every channel nine years ago. Fortunately, I threw my dog at the television during President Obama's last televised speech, leaving me unable to watch this disgrace.

Some of you may not have done the same, giving you the choice of whether to watch it. Will you make the right one? Who will you stand with this 9/11 weekend? Hollywood or America the Beautiful? Uncle Sam and his boys or Katie Couric and her soulmate Osama bin Laden?

My fellow patriots, we cannot let the 3,000 who died that day and the many thousands more who died following to be further forgotten and trampled upon. I'm making a clarion call for a boycott, one stretching from sea to shining sea. It is every proud American's duty to stand up to Stand Up to Cancer, the cold, heartless bastards.

God Bless America!

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