UnScripts:Bathtime for Marat

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1793[edit]

The wrong Jean-Paul.

The French Revolution is now going through a more 'radical phase'. France is now a republic. The revolution is still under pressure from without and within. One man is determined to protect it.

Jean-Paul Marat is sitting in the bath, working on his latest editorial for the Les Jacobins newspaper. He is also listing everyone who has pissed him off in the previous week and will encourage the government to execute them. But first, he has to deal with some other letters.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Who is this Jean-Paul Gaultier? I know nothing about clothing fashion. And another, addressed to Jean-Paul Sartre. Never heard of him either, though it says here, he's never heard of me either! What is this nonsense? What's wrong with the post?? Tricks from the Monarchists??? The English???? Damn, this bath is getting cold. CITIZEN GALLIVANT!!
Enter another citizen.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
I need more hot water. I would do it myself, but I am working for the people today.
Not this one either.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Indeed. I will get you a top-up.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
This time, leave the rubber duck in there too!
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Yes, Citizen. You have a visitor.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Ah. I wasn't expecting anyone. Show him in after you have done the usual security checks.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
It is a woman, Citizen Marat.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Well get some of our heroic revolutionary women to frisk her then.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
I am sorry. You gave the women time off to watch Count and Countess Corden Bleu die under the blade.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Yes, I did. Good guillotine education. Well, Gallivant, you will have to do the honours in that department. We can't be too careful.
Getting closer.
Exit Citizen Gallivant. Outside, raised voices and a distinctive sound of a face being slapped is heard. A woman enters. Marat sits up his bath.
Citizen Gallivant and woman enter the bathroom. Gallivant is nursing the side of his face.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
I tried to stop her...
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
What is your name, woman?
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Charlotte Corday. Death to Louis Capet.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Death to the King! Death to Marie Antoinette!!
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Good, good. Yes, she's next on the list. Now er...Gallivant?
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Yes, Citizen Marat?
Jacques Pott
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Did you check if the mademoiselle was packing any hot or cold heat?
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
She said she wasn't and then slapped me...she...
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
...I said I would expose myself like a painting of Venus to prove I carry no weapons. But I will only do this for Citizen Marat.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
I understand. Citizen Gallivant. Hot water!
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Hot water?
'I sell bathroom solutions'.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
My hot water. Remember? And the rubber duck.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Oh yes...sorry. I will leave you alone. It will take a little time to get the water heated up...
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Citizen Gallivant. You don't want to disappoint me today? My list has some spaces at the bottom.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Oh...oh! I will leave you two alone. It will take a little time to get things ready...
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Do it, but make sure it is the right temperature. Go, Citizen Gallivant.
A popular design for revolutionaries.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Going!!
Gallivant leaves. Corday starts to disrobe but Marat puts his hand up for her to stop.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
No need to strip. I am not one of those perverted aristocrats. I see you are a true daughter of the revolution. So, Mademoiselle Corday. What do you want to talk to me about?
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Bathrooms and plumbing.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Oh. I thought you were going to give me the names of traitors to the revolution. I hadn't thought about changing any of the decor here.
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
This is a revolution! We need changes everywhere. Have you considered the colour crimson for a new bathroom suite?
French duck.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
You are here to sell me a new bathroom?
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Yes, with a whirlpool, new plumbing and something extra
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
A whirpool? Now that would be interesting. Mademoiselle Corday, I spend most of my spare time in a bath, as I have very itchy skin.
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Your work is essential to the revolution.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
You mentioned plumbing. You do that as well?
Mon dieu!
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Yes we do. Can I show you how we do it. I will need to get closer.
Charlotte Corday produces a folder of bathroom designs from under her dress. Marat is alarmed at first, her dress seems to have some extra capacity. She smiles and places a large selection of drawings for Marat to look at. He starts to look at them. Corday is fiddling with something in her hat. There is a knock at the door.
From behind the door.
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Citizen Marat. I have the water, but I cannot find the duck!
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Find me my duck, Gallivant! Look again! No duck, no water, and no head if you don't succeed!
CITIZEN GALLIVANT
Yes! I will look again!!
Gallivant disappears again.
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Any design you like?
Say it in blood.
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Hmmm..I don't know these things. Are you sure you were looking for me and not Jean-Paul Gaultier? You also mentioned something 'extra' earlier. What was that?
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Yes, Citizen Marat. He recommended that I pay you a visit. Do you want another look at the brochures? I also have that extra thing I mentioned for you.
Corday places a rubber duck in Marat's bath. As he looks at it, Corday unties her dress and wearing only a basque, stabs Marat in the chest.
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Death to tyrants! Your bathtime is over Jean-Paul Marat!!
JEAN-PAUL MARAT
Oh...Ohh...the Jacuzzi looked nice...
Dies.
The sound of Marat's scream as he is stabbed sees Citizen Gallivant re-enter the room, this time with some of Marat's female staff returned fresh from watching an execution.
CHARLOTTE CORDAY
Can I interest anyone in a new bathroom?

Paris, 25 Pintade, Messidor, Year 1 (for sad Christians this is July 13th 1793). Citizens of France! A day for our martyr to the Republican cause. Jean-Paul Marat! Remember the name!!!