Worst 100 Foods of All Time

100-91

100. Bacon.

You say you're not hungry but you know you want it.

The best known cure for vegetarianism.

99. Crackers.

A food which has become unpopular in Afro-American communities.

98. Haggios.

Toasted oatee-o's made from haggis.

97. Queerios.

A California cereal that failed when it was found that the toasted oatee-os didn't go with tofu.

96. A Hill of Beans.

This is what some people's lives amounted to after first making the hill of beans, then having to eat it.

95. Bimbo Sandwich.

A Portuguese delicacy that was pulled from the market when it caused men to grow blonde hair and sprout huge breasts.

94. Geekbeef.

Jolt cola and potato chips.

93. Flapjacks

Cookies that British child delinquents used instead of stones to break windows.

92. Two-Buck Chuck.

Two-Buck Chuck before 2013.

The nickname for Charles Shaw Wine. Was two dollars, but after the price increase back in 2013, it was renamed "Upchuck".

91. Erektus Energy Drink.

Sold in a long, narrow, cylindrical, flesh-tone can with a curious texturing along the side. Few people understood that it was a tribute to the Greek God Erektus, God of Concrete Pillars (these, of course, are the famous erections made by the Greeks, which supported most of their sacred buildings).

90-81

90. Pee Cola.

A cola from Ghana, named of course after Mr. Pee, the owner of the company.

89. Fried Cock Swayne

Battered and deep fried peckerhead chickens.

88. Calimari Jerky.

An attempt at giving high-class food to the working class, until they found out they were eating octopus. Tastes like reheated plastic served with deep-fried cardboard.

87. Piddle in the Hole Beer.

Only the British could buy this without laughing.

86. Cream of the Crop.

Corn with something un-mentionable running down the side.

Corn with come stains on it.

85. Cake Chipponade

That's when male strippers jump out of the cake.

84. Tacos de Ojo.

Mexican tacos made from cow's eyes.

83. Kitty offal.

A by-product of kitten huffing. An uncyclopedian delicacy, as is kitty tripe on rye.

82. Garter Tartar.

One would have to go through a lot of garters to obtain sufficient tartar for an industrial process.

81. Prick Hot Dogs.

This was popular for a short time, until Brazilian consumers heard of the phrase "you are what you eat".

80-71

If you are in the habit of offering to eat your hat on a bet, make sure that all parts of it are reasonably edible.

80. Hat.

Something that is eaten if you lose a bet, as in: "If he arrives on time for once, I'll eat my hat."

79. Words.

Something else that is eaten if you lose a bet. Words taste better than hats.

78. Boohoo Breakfast

OH NO!!! Broccoli with eggs and sausage!

77. Double Dead Meat

Un-inspected meat, sold to consumers. First the animal dies, then you.

76. Belcher's Square Sausage.

One of the little known nutritional facts is that square sausages make you belch, while round ones make you fart. Choose wisely.

75. The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

Sliced bread was always "kind of there". It was never that great. It's like saying "The Greatest Thing Since Open-Toed Sandals". The only appropriate response is "so what?"

74. Hairy Sardines.

A marketing effort to offload mouldy sardines that failed.

73. Amuse Bouche

Small, bite sized hors d'œuvres.

72. Hors D'œuvres

That's French for Horse's Ovaries.

71. Corn Pone

If you want the full effect, mill yourself some corn kernels into a fine flour inside a reasonably large wigwam add water, let rise over a fire in a pan, and if any hoochie mamas are present, you can even make hoe cakes.

70-61

70. Johnny cakes

Corn pone made in a teepee that has a toilet.

69. Big Nuts Candy.

Not all people considered big nuts to be candy, so it has a limited distribution.

68. Gedunk

Ice cream, candy, chips. Also called gejunk.

67. Gaelic Coffee.

Coffee made by Druid Priests, requiring one of you to be sacrificed.

66. Hurricane Ham

The serving of pork from a pig picked up by a tornado and which ended up on your property.

65. Awesomesauce

It tastes great, 100% nutritious, has zero calories, and fills you up. In other words, it doesn't exist.

64. Grand Fromage

Feta cheese with a mold growing in the shape of Darth Vader. To many, he is the biggest cheese there is.

The boss of all cheeses. Also called the "head cheese", or if served in pairs at a Bible study, "Jesus Chesses".

63. Ken-Taco-Hut

A food chain soon to be merged with Mc-Nike-Soft.

62. Egg On Your Face

Eggs used in pornography for other actors to lick off. Not sure why that's sensual. Egg on your face is not usually discussed in mixed company.

61. Pie in the sky

Pie that is edible only after you're dead.

“Work and Pray, live on hay. You'll get Pie in the sky when you die”

~ Old hymn

60-51

60. Molecular gastronomy

A phrase referring to a kind of microdieting fad where you consume food in individual molecules. Most believers in this fad never lived long enough to end their meal.

59. Plopp Chocolate Bar.

No one in the Czech Republic figured it was named after the owner, Kolonman Radovan Plopp, and soon it was squeezed out of the market, and it fell with a dull thud.

58. Steak Puffs.

A short-lived cereal which attempted to mix meat with puffed rice.

57. Shamburger

That wasn't beef.

A kid smashing a cake in the messiest way possible.

56. Smash Cake.

Take a cake, hollow it out. Fill the inside with acrylic paints; slather the outside with the heaviest grease you can find, coloured brown to look like chocolate. Place in front of an energetic two year-old. Stand back with a video camera. When the kid turns 18, show it to him or her on their graduation.

55. Sweetbreads.

A disappointment to those expecting actual bread that tastes sweet.

54. Sweetmeats.

A disappointment to those expecting actual meat.

53. General Tso's Chicken.

Mistakenly attributed to a 19th century Chinese general, the real meaning of the name is "Tso's chicken, generally".

52. Head Cheese.

A disappointment to anyone expecting actual cheese.

51. Pettes de soeur.

This brand of Quebec-based cinnamon rolls, named "Nun's Farts", was probably aiming at the same marketing strategy that caused Moose Poop earrings to sell on E-Bay.

50-41

50. Fish.

“The only food which becomes spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

~ P. J. O'Rourke on Fish

49. Meat.

The only difference between Meat and Fish is that if you beat your fish, it dies.

48. Calzone.

A very expensive Italian cheese made from stains on trouser legs. The high price of cheese is due to the number of unclean pants needed to get enough scrapings to make a brick of cheese.

47. Toe Jam.

Take enough scrapings from between your toes to fill 250mL. Since this may take over a month to obtain enough to fill a cup, take a few day's worth, incubate for 36 hours at 37C under moist conditions in an agar medium. Scrape off the resulting growth. Add sugar, pectin and food coloring. Chill overnight. Serve to feed your hungry multitudes.

46. Calimari.

An Italian seafood dish, which couldn't be named fried octopus rings, or no one would eat it.

45. Kopi Luwak.

The Indonesian Civet Cat. A very small furry critter that, in all honesty, doesn't go to the bathroom all that often.

A very expensive Indonesian coffee made from mongoose poop. Since the mongoose (an Indonesian Civet Cat, which is not really a cat) is so small, the high price of Kopi Luwak is due to having to hunt around in a dense rainforest looking for enough mongoose dump to fill a half pound bag.

44. Cherry Bomb.

Kids dare each other to see how many of these you could eat before you were squirming on the floor wretching helplessly.

43. Imam Bayildi.

A Turkish stuffed eggplant preparation which was banned by the Eastern Orthodox Church, due to the number of clerics that ended up unconscious or in a coma when eating it.

42. Toad in the Hole.

A food served in British pubs, but let's face it ... no one goes to a British pub to eat, do they?

41. Jerk Seasoning

A Jamaican seasoning that, when Britain took the Caribbean island over in 1655, soon combined it with spotted dick (see below) to make Jerk Spotted Dick. The Brits were the only nation to fail to see the irony.

40-31

40. Pizza.

The culinary equivalent of a child's fingerpainting, baked and served as food.

39. American Pie.

Looking upon the pie will cause weight gain.

38. Gallon Red.

A nickname given to a sweet red drink with no discernible brand sold at "Everything for a buck" stores.

37. Welsh Rabbit.

Basically toast and cheese. No rabbit. Animal rights activists got the wrong impression, and due to IFAW's "save the bunnies" campaign, restaurants in Wales had to stop serving it.

36. Heart Attack on a Plate.

KFC, fried in artery-clogging hog fat, hooked up to a 30,000V power supply.

35. Cucumber.

You never know where that cucumber has been.

34. Twinkies.

"Insanity by twinkies" resulted in the acquital of Dan White for the murders of mayor George Moscone and councillor Harvey Milk.

Upon eating, the resulting brain changes caused the murder of a gay San Francisco city Councillor. The moral of the story: Never have Milk and Twinkies.

33. Chifafa.

A molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.

32. Debt Ceiling Chicken.

The loser of this contest becomes the debt ceiling turkey.

31. Parson's Nose.

Only Catholics eat the end of the turkey called the Parson's Nose. If you are Protestant, then you have to settle for eating the Pope's Nose instead.

30-21

30. Hoecake.

A delicacy of black urban neighbourhoods. Also called "Hoochie Mama Cake".

29. Food's Ghost

Farting.

28. Leftovers.

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

~ Calvin Trillin on Leftovers

27. Beer Nuts.

Very similar to deer nuts, except that beer nuts sell for $1.50, while deer nuts are under a buck.

26. Mountain Oysters.

Bull testicles.

25. Pairie Oysters.

A disappointment to anyone expecting oysters or even seafood. A pleasant surprise to alcoholics.

24. Frim-Fram Sauce.

Jazz singers keep ordering the stuff, usually with a large helping of ussin-fay and chifafa on the side. You need to be very drunk to consume this dish.

23. Dollars To Doughnuts.

If the doughnut is only a dollar, it isn't worth eating.

22. Gag in a Bag.

Contains a decaying rat with a dead mouse in its mouth.

21. Garlic Fingers.

Make french fries. Let cool to room temperature. Rub each one under your armpit. Salt and serve.

20-11

20. Guru Tripe

A tripe made from the stomach of a recently sacrificed Zimbabwean guru.

19. Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice

A Starbucks caffeinated concoction, known to cause the collapse of the South American economy. The person ordering it must say it in a fake Italian accent with an operatic voice.

18. Cheappuccino.

Any specialty coffee that ends up tasting like dirt stirred in hot water.

17. Cow's Ass Sewed up With Barbed Wire.

Remove barbed wire before consuming.

16. Knuckle sandwich.

Being served a knuckle sandwich is undesirable, but anyone can have it without charge.

It's the sandwich you eat exactly when you don't want to and don't feel hungry.

15. Hangover Soup.

Two tylenol dissolved in a Hot Toddy.

14. Bible Tripe

A tripe made from the third stomach of a sacred cow. If you don't have a sacred cow, or even any cow at all, you can always rip out pages from the Book of Leviticus.

13. Cake at a bulemic party.

That's where the cake jumps out of the girl.

12. Eau D'ouche.

Cut up one medium carrot, and shuck about a half cup of peas. Allow to rot for 4 days. Bring 2 cups of Eau D'ouche to a slow boil. Add carrots and peas. Feeds four worst enemies.

11. Happy Meal.

A hamburger and a blow job.

10-1

10. Herky Jerky.

A beef preparation made by a spastic cook.

9. Dich Milch.

Get your mind out of the gutter. It doesn't mean what you think it means, you pervert.

A German yogurt brand which too many teenagers splashed all over their high school bathroom stalls at their school, so the product was pulled.

8. Black Busch Liquor.

Like much of the Busch brand, consumers found it was only for pussies.

7. Technicolor Gruel.

You take a wide assortment of food coloring, baking soda, and vinegar. Pack in as much cooked, sticky rice as you can. Mix it all together at the last minute. Scrape off the ceiling and serve.

6. Home brew.

Can be alternatively used as a fuel for model rockets, or for dissolving ceramics and plastics. Tastes like turpentine with a hint of nail polish remover.

5. Spotted Dick Sponge Cake.

British guests used to run and hide whenever they knew it was two-thirty and the host was serving a plate of Spotted Dick with their tea.

4. The Hour of Power

Drink a shotglass of a strong drink once every 60 seconds for one hour. By the end, some participants thought they saw Jesus and Elvis interviewed by Sheila Schuller Coleman[1].

3. Road apples.

Alternatively named "Pomme de rue" or "Pomme de terre", Road Apples are a disappointment to those who thought they were being served apples, although the relationship is a little closer than the other expressions seen in this article. You feed a horse an apple. Wait a day or two. Scrape off the road and serve.

2. Langues de chats.

These are all the toungues harvested by cats from speechless passers-by.

1. Rapefruit.

I don't even wanna know what it looks/tastes like