Worst 100 Ways to Deliver Bad News

“I have nothing to declare except that your daughter got hit by a bus.”
~ Oscar Wilde on breaking bad news

According to God's True Word, here are the worst 100* ways to deliver bad news. If you have to tell someone you crashed his car, killed his dog or banged his mum, don't use any of these methods (or at least start at the top).

* God does not care to count this list too closely, and believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy.

The Worst 100 List

159-150

157 Bad puns certainly take the sting off when you tell a mother you have some NOOSE for her; specifically, the state decided to hang her murderer son that morning.

156 If it involves you having a terminal disease, wear a sweater that says "Yeah, you are a MOTHER FUCKER" on the front and "I'm a douchebag" on the back before telling it to your loved ones. Bonus if they actually cry while someone's recording you hugging them and uploading it to some online website for your last lulz.

155 Ask them to make a face like they've just been fired. Then tell them to get used to making that face a lot and that the boss wanted to see them
154 Tell them they'll have Thursday off, and that they don't even have to worry about what they'll do all day because their mom's funeral is an all-day event.
153 Fart in their face and whilst their staggering around choking, mention they have some horrendous terminal disease. Then Run!
152 Two words - barbershop quartet.

151 The raw power of {{USERNAME}}.

Hey, you'll never guess what! You have AIDS! But that's not the news. No, I learned how to use WIKI MARKUP! :D Isn't that spiffy, <insert name here>?

150.

149-141

149. Fan fiction.

As Bella fell into Edward's eternal embrace, her soft lips formed the last words she'd speak of the life she'd abandoned: "Edward, you're a twat and I'm glad I gave you crabs."

148. Candygram.

147. Get your arse to say it for you.

This Ladyboy Farting a secret out her bum.

146. Hangman.

145. Email.

144. Give them a concert ticket.

143. Use a Star Wars reference.

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if your parents suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.”
~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on your parents

142. Transmit it from outer space.

141. Broadcast it on national television "This is a test of the emergency broadcasting system and <insert name here> has AIDS".

140-131

140. eBay
139. Play "Who Am I?" as him/her: You: "Do I wear glasses?"; Others: "YES!"; You: "Do I have brown hair?"; Others: "YES!"; You: "Do I have cancer and will die in the next 6 months?"; Others: "YES!"; You: "Oh, I know, I'm Charlie!"; Charlie: "What?"

138. Write an obscure, artsy movie about it.

SCRIPT Title:My Affair with My Friend Joe's Wife

Directed by Mike (this story is based on actual events.)

137.

136. 2 words: Google bombing.: "So, Dave, maybe when you have a little free time, you'll go to Google and type in 'people with chlamydia'...yeah, yeah, and then you click 'I'm Feeling Lucky'...yeah, uh...oh, no reason. Bye!"

135. Let it slip out while golfing.: "Well, Stan, I think you'll shoot however many days you have left to live. So, you should shoot...about a three."

134. Tell them with a mix CD.: Nothing says it quite like Matchbox Twenty's "Disease".

133. Make them pay for drinks.: "Drinks are on the guy with the inoperable brain tumor! Phil, you buying?"

132. Tell it like they used to in elementary school.: "Psst... Joe's wife is having an affair, pass it on. No wait, you're Joe. Scratch that idea. Seriously."

131. Compose a message from clips of random TV shows.: If you can't find a word, you can always find a children's programme and spell it out.

130-121

130. Tell a bad your momma joke about it: "Your momma's so fat she had a pulmonary embolism!"

129. Organize a fundraiser: "Bill, this fundraiser is to raise money for people whose wives have been killed by junkies. Specifically, it's for people named Bill whose wives have been killed by junkies."

128. Become a High School counselor: "Jimmy, your grades are excellent and I wish you the best of luck. Because you're gonna need it to find a place to hang your diploma... since your parents just died in a house fire."

127. Put it on a T-Shirt.: "Your wife was killed in a car accident and all she left me was this lousy T-Shirt"

126. Through the magical art of Mime

Look up:
A piano falls on you.

125. Get Sir Elton John to release another new version of "Candle in the Wind"

Goodbye Bobby's mum

Though he never knew you're rich

You had the grace to hold yourself

Until you hit that ditch

That lorry hit you so hard

And it splattered all your brains

The servants, all in your will

Have your millions to their name

But it seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never knowing who to cling to

When the greed set in

And I know your son disowned you

So he's not in your will

Your candle burned out long before

He went in for the kill

124. Surrealism!: "A purple polka-dotted hungry giraffe swims in a bath tub while your wife was killed in a plane crash while the sun in Napoléon's eye collapsed like a monkey bird."
or: "I don’t know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I’m now a butterfly dreaming I’m a man telling you that your daughter has an inoperable brain tumor."

123. Department store flyer

Hey Bob! It's the great YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY HAS JUST
BEEN DEVOURED BY A PRIDE OF LIONS SALE!

Great savings in every department!
10% off all black clothing for the poor widower.
This week only and only at Gigantic Tiger!

122. EBG13.: Url, Ebo! V xvyyrq lbhe cneragf!

121. Be an arse: Look, just because both your parents got hit by a truck does not give you the right to demand that I stop leaving the toilet seat up!

120-111

120. Use a popular character as a help device: You're not the only one, Jessie! Look, this book is called "Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone".

119. Reminisce about it: Hey, remember that time when your dad shot and killed your mother yesterday and was killed by the police after a stand off? Oh, you will.

118. Change a city sign or two: "Welcome to dumpsville, Population: YOU!!"; The You Memorial Car Park.

117. Hire Randy Jackson to tell them: "Yo, dawg! Your family died in a house fire, yo!"

116. Hire Simon Cowell to tell them: "I can't believe it. You're so pathetic. Your delivery was awful, your performance was karaoke, your stage presence was non-existant, and your wife has been eaten by a lion. Get out of here."

115. Take them out to an amusement park. Tell them right before a steep drop.: "I just wanted to tell you, Stan...a bunch of junkies killed your wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife!"

114.

113. Well... this way: "Jane, I've always had a massive crush on you. And I figure since your husband has been sleeping with another man for a few years now without your knowledge...would you go out with me?" (Note that this doubles as a way to ask a girl out. Mind you, she might still ignore you while luring hubby and the other man into bed for a hawt threesome, but them's the breaks.)

112. Give them a sign

111. Lighthearted Comparison: "Wow! Little Johnny's growing as fast as your malignant tumour!"

110.Experience the magic of cartoon theme parks: "Hi, Jeremy! I'm Winnie the Poop, here from the woods to tell you that your baby sister was just eaten by a pack of hungry grizzlies! Issen that wonnerful??? Oh, and people, have a beary merry day!

110-101

109. Get stranded on an island, and spell it out in rocks.

108. Yours to discover!

107. Put it on a grocery list.: Gal. milk; 1 tombstone for your cancer-wracked body; Doz. eggs

106. Use famous people: "Hey, next week could you tell Abraham Lincoln I said said hi? Oh, and ask Kurt Cobain if he really killed himself, I've always wanted to know. Not that you'll be coming back to give me the answer, of course...Oh Oh and if you find Tupac, can you ask him where did he take his body? Because we were all worried."

105. Write it in your teeth and smile!!!: Be sure to make said message no longer than 32 letters.

104. Misfortune cookie.

103. Create a sandwich.: I think I'll have the Paul Fields Memorial BLT

102. Tattoo it on your knuckles: | Y | O | U | L | | L | D | I | E |

101. Name a new species: "And we will call this dinosaur the Billsmumhascancersaurus Rex."

91-100

100. Russian Reversal In Soviet Russia, cancer has YOU!!"

99. Good news/Bad news

"Miss Hamilton? We have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that Detective Taylor over there has just got engaged. Congratulations again, Chip! The bad news is your son's dead."
"Your mom just got eaten by tooth-pick wielding gnomes, but it's okay, I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night!"
Your mother was killed by a shark, but I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

98.5 Bad news/Worse news

Well, the bad news is you only have twenty-four hours to live...the worse news is I forgot to call you and tell you yesterday.

98. Use a festive occasion to soften the blow.: Give them a big present with a fancy red ribbon for Christmas and tell them that it's a surprise. Then, when they open it, it will be a child-sized coffin with a note that says "This is for Billy. He has late-stage leukemia. If he doesn't die (not fucking likely) he can turn it into a soapbox derby car or something. Cheers. Your family physician."

97. Try to throw them off: "I have some positive news for you, Miss Wilson. HIV-positive, that is!"

96. Use a foreign language: Deliver it to them in a crazy foreign language like Spanish and then teach them just enough of that language to make them understand what you said: "Tú tenías una madre". You may notice that in this sentence the verb 'tener' is used in the past tense"

95. Zork narrator

Bad news!

Score: -1

Moves: 13

You have been eaten by a grue.

Oh, and by the way, your spouse just got run over by a freight train. Isn't that great?

Give up
Die

94. Use Bongo drums played in morse code: this is so silly they may laugh when they hear their son had syphilis and had to have his head amputated.

93. Make up something even worse to make them relieved when you tell the truth: "All our kids died in a playground shooting! I'm kidding, it was just little Annie."

92

91. Rock, paper, cancer!

81-90

90. Play it as an April Fool's joke: "I burned down your house. April fools! It was actually the Russian mob."

89. Hire a telemarketing firm: "Hi, this is Fly By Night Marketing calling, we have a 10-cents off sale on coffins today only..."

88. Use a Rebus

87. Use a knock-knock joke: "Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Yule"
"Yule who?"
"Yule have to use a colostomy bag for the rest of your life."
-or-
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Somebody stabbed my mother in the face. I wonder..."
"Somebody stabbed my mother in the face. I wonder who?"
"It was me... since you asked so nicely..."

86.

85. Skywriting: Have "Your baby has died" written in 40 foot high letters of red smoke above the town where they live. Don't forget to include their names.

84. Take out a two-page ad in the New York Times

83. Make them feel guilty to take the blame off yourself: "I'm sorry Billy, we couldn't save your mother. God has taken her up to heaven. I guess you just didn't love her enough."

82. Make a page about it on Wikipedia: Hey, anyone can edit it, and there probably isn't an article entitled "I killed your baby"

81. Tell them to look on the bright side.: "Hey, sweetie, you know how you've always wanted a guest room? Well, I figured that since our son is going to jail and he's not going to need that room for about five years, we could talk about redecorating."

71-80

80. Using You have two cows: "You have two cows. First you have to visit your mom in the hospital, and then you have to bury your wife."

79. Reprogramme Windows

78. Play I spy: "I spy with my little eye something ending with... AIDS"; "What?"; "Your life!"

77. Use an allegory: "So the evil trolls from the land of Leukemia traveled through the red rivers of Circulus, and the Grand Wizard Immuno was powerless to stop them."

76. Hold a parade.: What says "you have one month to live" quite like a Breast Cancer March or AIDS Walk down the main street of your hometown with their name emblazoned on bright, colourful red and pink banners.

75. Soften the blow with a present: "Hi honey, I'm home. I just got back from the high street where I bought some fine fresh flowers for your gravesite. Oh, by the way, Doctor Smedley called and said there was something he needed to tell you..."

74. Make Lance Armstrong tell them: "huff huff huff huff huff... uh so huff huff yeah, your huff huff huff son died."

73. ...So remember kids! When you see that big flash of light, always remember to duck and cover! Don't end up like little Billy's sister who forgot!

72. In poetry: Cockney Rhyming Slang can prove versatile for any occasion, as can haiku.

~o~

Cherry blossoms grow
When the spring comes around here
Too bad you have AIDS

~o~

71. Distract them with sheer panic: Lock them in a room with a starving, rabid polar bear and shout the bad news through the key hole.

61-70

70.

69. Tell them during sex.

:Girl: I have Aids.

Man: me too.

I have Herpes.

Me too.

I have clamidya.

Me too.

I have diarrhea.

Say WHAT?!

68. Point out irony to lighten the mood: "And your son committed suicide with the gun that you bought to protect your family. Ironic, isn't it..."

67. Charge money for every bit of information: Might as well make some cash out of it.; "It has to do with your mother."; "What does? Just tell me."; "You know the rules. Ten bucks, or no new information"; "Ok, here!"; "Thank you. It's something bad."; "Oh for fuck's sake! Just tell me already."; "We'll get there eventually. Would you like to continue?"; "Jesus Christ! Here."; "It happened this afternoon..."

66. Charades

65. Pee a message into the snow

64. Get a parrot to say it: Awk! "Your daddy got hit by a bus." Awk!

63. Burn down their house and write it out using the ashes: Especially poignant if the message is "I burned down your house, Sorry: Bob Richards."

62. Save it for when you're losing an argument: "Oh Yeah? Well... Well.... You've got lung cancer!"

61. Take them sky diving and tell them right before they jump out: "Ok Phil, remember to pull the cord after about ten seconds. Not that it really matters, what with the tuberculosis and everything. Bye!"

51-60

60.

59. Pay their favourite celebrity to tell them: "Hi, Mikey, I'm Michael Jackson! I heard you're a big fan of mine! Well, I just came to your house to let you know you'll be dead in three months!".

58.

57. Use JavaScript: function Message(rapedInTheEar); {; alert("sorry");; yourMom = rapedInTheEar;; }

56. Write it in blood on their brand new white carpet: "Sorry Jim, should've saved that money for the chemo!"; Or you can do it on 4chan (it's just as bad)

"You know how you already have no life?...."

55.

A Rans^om n_ote.

54. Do it on a cheezy talk show (ie Maury Povich or Jerry Springer): "Uh, honey, I couldn't tell you this unless I was with Maury, but I've been cheating on you with your best friend, and our baby may not be yours, and our baby may actually be an alien."

53.

52. Get yourself on the news and say it on live television: "God told me to do it, I'm so sorry for the families of all the seven people I killed, but I didn't have any choice. Oh by the way Nick, I know you're watching this, your daughter has AIDS."

51. Use a really creepy crossword clue: "A six letter word starting with 'C' and ending with 'R', which is also a Zodiac sign, that you, your wife, and baby son have."

41-50

50. Bizarre pictograms. They'll probably never decipher them, but at least you didn't have to tell it to their face.

      O   |  O !  |!!!  O  |   |O  |
     -|-  | -|-   |    /\  |   /|  |
      ^   |  ^    |   ^    |  ^    | >-|O~

49. Blame it on foreigners: "Those damn Mexicans gave you a brain tumour!"

48. Cancer porn.

47. A singing telegram.

This is your singing telegram, I hope it finds you glad

You're invited to Lee's FUNERAL 'cause we think you're really sad

46. Disguise it in a catchy web banner!

45. Pretend they won a prize: "Congratulations, Dianne! You're the one millionth person to get a check-up at our hospital! Guess what you've won!"
"What?"
"Free healthcare for the rest of your life! Two months worth! Woo!"

44. Buy a vowel

43. Steal their phone and record it as their ringtone.

42. Trust in the Bible.: I am glad to inform you that the court has found a suitable resolution to your long-standing child custody dispute. This court has consulted the timeless wisdom of King Solomon and on the basis of the doctrine of stare decisis has decided to simply chop the child in half.

41. Make it a nickname.: "Daddy's home, where's my little Cancer-girl?"

31-40

40. Master the art of ventriloquism and make it look like somebody else said it.

39. Microsoft Excel Pie Chart

38. Tell them at the altar during the wedding ceremony: "I do. Also, I have a penis. Yeah, I probably should have mentioned this sooner, heh..."

37. Use humour to relieve the tension: "Have you heard the one about the guy whose mum had terminal cancer?"

36. Using a bad cryptic crossword clue: "You haven't WON this battle, NEO. You've got only _ _ _ more day to live". (1)

35. After a light saber battle while your opponent is hanging on for dear life: "I am your father."

34. Inhale some helium from a balloon to add a touch of hilarity.

33. In a business meeting

32. With the Old Military Trick: 'Allright, you maggots. Everyone who's got a wife that's alive step forward. Not so fast, Miller!'

31. Throw them a 'bad news' surprise party.: "Happy Final Birthday!"

21-30

30. By giving subtle hints: "Now spin the wheel to answer our mystery question: Who has cervical cancer?

29. Make them go find on their own: "Why I haven't seen your kitty cat all morning Susie; but maybe you should look under the front of daddy's car."

28. Treat them to a full body wrap at the spa and tell them when they are cocooned in saran wrap and cucumber purée.

27. Send in the clowns

26. Use a Monty Python reference.: "Honey, there's a Mr. Death here, come to see about the reaping..."; "Your third castle just burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp! But you tell the kids that these days..."; "Nobody expects the Salmonella Inquisition!"; "Is that parrot a Norwegian Blue?"; "You've got AIDS...nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more."

25.

24. Pay David Letterman to Annouce It on the Top Ten List

Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Wife Is Cheating on You:

(Letterman does his usual antics for the first nine)
1. You are Thomas Smith, 346 Main St., Oldstown, Missouri 32403.

23. Spray paint it on their car, house and, if possible, rear-end. Spray paint it on their cat.: Be sure to include 'sorry' for a touch of empathy.

22. À la Nelson Muntz: "Aaron, your family was violently murdered. Haw haw!"

21. Pieces of Info: Tony: "Do you have health insurance?"; Linda: "Yea, why?"; Tony: "No reason. Just asking. Uh, how do you feel about ebola?"

11-20

20. Call someone with Tourette's to do the job for you.: "You have THONG TASTER two weeks to JACKASS SHIT live."

19.: You have new maladies (last tumour).

18. Imitate The Ring: "Seven...days...until your medula melts."

17.

16. Wax philosophical

First tell the one you need to deliver the 'bad' news:

"Life is nothing but suffering, the only times you are happy, exist because you're suffering a little bit less for a few seconds, now think about death: no more suffering, only pleasure, joy, enjoyment and amusement or in other words heaven. In fact you can not go to hell, because life is hell. I envy the dead."

Then tell the bad news, like: "Your pet is still alive", "Your mother is already dead", or "I'll be dead before you."

15. Distract them with physical pain

*punch in the face* You only have two weeks to live!
Kick Me!: Tape a "kick me in the crotch, then tell me that I have penile cancer" sign to his back.

14. Make a card, but not the kind Hallmark would make

13. Try to compare it to a famous example: "Remember when Freddie Mercury got AIDS and ended up wasting away and dying? Well, this is kinda like that. Except you're a shitty singer."

12. Disguise it as an award

11. Use the power of radio.: For Bubba from Tallahassee, whose only son just got eaten by a hungry alligator, here's Sir Elton John's smash hit "Crocodile Rock"!; Jason Mann would like to send a big hug to his friend Bill Lavender and tell him his son was killed by an elephant! *elephant noise*; Oh, and this long-distance dedication goes out to Joe Schmuck of Moose Breath, Sasquatchewan from all the fine doctors at Billy-Bob's Blacksmithery and Cancer Clinic. Here's Another One Bites The Dust, a former Queen-sized top-one single which may well be the last song Joe Schmuck hears before the malignant tumour spreads to the rest of what was once his brain.

1-10

10. Summon the town crier.: "Oyey, oyez! People of this fine village, lend me thine ears! Syphilis hath taken its toll and this fine citizen shalt be dead upon the morrow! Oyey, oyez!"

9. Seek mummers or carollers to deliver your festive message.: Joy to the world, the school burned down; And all your children died...

8. Deliver a message using a squad of crazed underage cheerleaders: What does that spell? Y-O-U... YOU! Rah rah rah, GO TEAM!

7. Halftime at the Super Bowl

If nothing works, you can always combine 6 & 7.

Nothing says "We'd like to give a hearty hello to the fan in seat 42-D, who has 5 days to live!" quite like a six-foot singing, dancing chicken at halftime.
We cut away briefly from our coverage of this year's wardrobe malfunction to show the Not A Good Year blimp, and its message "Billy, Your Papa Just Died Of Lung Cancer". And, on that note, here are a few words from our sponsors Marlboro...

6. The awesome power of interpretive dance

5. Talk about the TV shows "Lost" or "Survivor": Hey, do y'know what I think is in the coffin? Your mother's corpse that was dug up last week.; Six doctors have voted. You have been voted off the island. Guess we won't see you next week. For everyone else, same time, same channel...

4. Supportive comparison: "Good luck at the concert tonight, Sally. You'll kill 'em, just like the rabid bear killed your parents!"

3. Double jeopardy: "Here we go, it's Fatal Carbon Monoxide Poisonings for $100. The answer is YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, now what was the question? You have three days..."

2. Write it on stone tablets then send some guy up Mount Sinai to collect.

1.: Hey Derek, I know you hang out at Uncyclopedia, so if you're reading this, your daughter jumped off a roof this morning. --Dave 01:33, 24 April 2024 (UTC)

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